Licensed to fool around
I AM a 38-year-old woman, married for 14 years, and have three kids. I have known my husband for 20 years, from when we were high school sweethearts through to studying at the same university.
He is the eldest child and only son, and has two sisters. We are staying with his family. Because we have limited private space and time, and the restricted environment, I can’t breathe freely.
Luckily I’m working and have less time to stay at home to face his parents and sisters. He just leaves every decision to me and just concentrates on his work.
We have been having a turbulent relationship since our third child was born in 2000. During my last month of pregnancy, I found out that he was having an affair.
I was totally shocked since we had been such a compatible couple. He said I was a perfect mother who cared only about the kids but not a perfect wife, and he had no more feeling towards me and the kids.
I cried, attempted suicide, and endured uncountable sleepless nights. After giving birth and two months' confinement, I slimmed down and tried to make myself beautiful to attract him back.
I acknowledged that I needed to spend some time with him as well. We arranged some activities that allowed us to be together, such as playing pool, ballroom dancing and lovemaking. During Valentine's Day 2001, he surprised me with a romantic dinner.
After that, he left his girlfriend and we became a loving couple again within months.
From 2002 to 2003, we were separated because he went to live in Australia to qualify as a permanent resident (PR). During this separation, I was the sole breadwinner for my family.
Upon returning from Australia, he could not find a job until 2005, when he landed a job in another state so we were forced apart again.
Towards the end of 2005, I did something wrong by having an affair.
When he found out about the incident, he was in shock. He engaged a private detective to find out all the details and asked a lawyer to prepare divorce papers to take away our children and our assets from me.
Then, he explained that he wanted us to be back as a family but he wanted my commitment not to make such a mistake again. Since I love him and my family very much, I signed the undated divorce letter.
When he strayed, it was my problem for not being an attentive wife but when I made the same mistake, it was also my fault. He never acknowledged or apologised for his mistake but I keep praying for forgiveness of my sin and the reunion of my family.
Despite several months of good (and some bad) times together, he still could not forget and forgive me.
Eventually, he told me that he wanted “revenge” on me by playing with other girls to hurt me.
He asked me to be a “firewall” to be burnt by him and said the “fun” would be temporary. But he promised to be back with me and the kids after some time and asked me to wait for him.
Whenever we called him during weekends, he couldn’t be reached.
I’m suffering from mental anguish because of his behaviour. I feel terribly hurt and hot-tempered with my kids.
I don’t think I can regain my love for him when he comes back. When my love for him is totally dead, then maybe it won’t hurt so much.
I can’t do anything since I so foolishly signed the divorce letter and a confession of my affair. If I act against his will, I may lose my kids.
He has reduced the frequency of his visits home from once every week to once a fortnight. He just drops in like a visitor.
I tried to act as normally as possible but I can’t stand seeing my husband dating and sleeping with other girls.
He said I made him become a monster and thanked me for allowing him to have fun. He says now is not the time for him to return to our family and I was wasting energy trying to do everything to please him.
I have to support my kids and household because he said I made him spend money on the private detective and the lawyer who prepared the divorce letter.
Now, I have to act as both mother and father to my kids while my own business also requires my attention as well. Our kids have lost their feelings and concern for their father. Technically, we are already separated but have not yet activated the divorce letter.
My main focus now is to grow my own business and raise my kids.
He is the eldest child and only son, and has two sisters. We are staying with his family. Because we have limited private space and time, and the restricted environment, I can’t breathe freely.
Luckily I’m working and have less time to stay at home to face his parents and sisters. He just leaves every decision to me and just concentrates on his work.
We have been having a turbulent relationship since our third child was born in 2000. During my last month of pregnancy, I found out that he was having an affair.
I was totally shocked since we had been such a compatible couple. He said I was a perfect mother who cared only about the kids but not a perfect wife, and he had no more feeling towards me and the kids.
I cried, attempted suicide, and endured uncountable sleepless nights. After giving birth and two months' confinement, I slimmed down and tried to make myself beautiful to attract him back.
I acknowledged that I needed to spend some time with him as well. We arranged some activities that allowed us to be together, such as playing pool, ballroom dancing and lovemaking. During Valentine's Day 2001, he surprised me with a romantic dinner.
After that, he left his girlfriend and we became a loving couple again within months.
From 2002 to 2003, we were separated because he went to live in Australia to qualify as a permanent resident (PR). During this separation, I was the sole breadwinner for my family.
Upon returning from Australia, he could not find a job until 2005, when he landed a job in another state so we were forced apart again.
Towards the end of 2005, I did something wrong by having an affair.
When he found out about the incident, he was in shock. He engaged a private detective to find out all the details and asked a lawyer to prepare divorce papers to take away our children and our assets from me.
Then, he explained that he wanted us to be back as a family but he wanted my commitment not to make such a mistake again. Since I love him and my family very much, I signed the undated divorce letter.
When he strayed, it was my problem for not being an attentive wife but when I made the same mistake, it was also my fault. He never acknowledged or apologised for his mistake but I keep praying for forgiveness of my sin and the reunion of my family.
Despite several months of good (and some bad) times together, he still could not forget and forgive me.
Eventually, he told me that he wanted “revenge” on me by playing with other girls to hurt me.
He asked me to be a “firewall” to be burnt by him and said the “fun” would be temporary. But he promised to be back with me and the kids after some time and asked me to wait for him.
Whenever we called him during weekends, he couldn’t be reached.
I’m suffering from mental anguish because of his behaviour. I feel terribly hurt and hot-tempered with my kids.
I don’t think I can regain my love for him when he comes back. When my love for him is totally dead, then maybe it won’t hurt so much.
I can’t do anything since I so foolishly signed the divorce letter and a confession of my affair. If I act against his will, I may lose my kids.
He has reduced the frequency of his visits home from once every week to once a fortnight. He just drops in like a visitor.
I tried to act as normally as possible but I can’t stand seeing my husband dating and sleeping with other girls.
He said I made him become a monster and thanked me for allowing him to have fun. He says now is not the time for him to return to our family and I was wasting energy trying to do everything to please him.
I have to support my kids and household because he said I made him spend money on the private detective and the lawyer who prepared the divorce letter.
Now, I have to act as both mother and father to my kids while my own business also requires my attention as well. Our kids have lost their feelings and concern for their father. Technically, we are already separated but have not yet activated the divorce letter.
My main focus now is to grow my own business and raise my kids.
Please advise.
Broken Relationship
YOUR worst mistake was signing the divorce letter with the admission of your affair. Seek legal advice and ask about your options, should you divorce.
Your husband is blatantly having affairs because of this threat over your head. Ask if you can use his bad behaviour in your favour in the event of divorce.
Prepare for the worst because your marriage is not on the mend. You have to compromise your heart and soul to keep this family together. Is it worth the heartache?
What man is he to use you as a firewall when he too has committed the same sin of betrayal and stolen lust?
Has he ever stopped to think of his children? Is he so vengeful that he could so easily forget his love for family and neglect his responsibility as husband, father, son and brother?
Do not allow this abuse to continue. You have paid your dues. Check out your legal rights and plan your exit with the children.
You need to get away from the heavy burden and start your own life afresh. You are financially independent and capable. You can better options than most under the same circumstances.
Restore your dignity and pride. Talk to your children honestly but do not force them to take sides. Allow them to love their father but they should understand that they must not be made victims of a failed marriage.
If your husband wants to come back to you, welcome him into your heart and bed. But, set the terms and do not compromise love out of revenge and vindictiveness.
You both need to work very hard at your marriage to cleanse the wounds and scars of the past. Recognise that there were mistakes made by both parties and seek counselling if necessary.
You have a lot of strength and will in you. Fight for your marriage and love for your family.
But if you are being used and abused, blackmailed and threatened, leave this callous man. You do not have to suffer a lifetime for one mistake you made.
Broken Relationship
YOUR worst mistake was signing the divorce letter with the admission of your affair. Seek legal advice and ask about your options, should you divorce.
Your husband is blatantly having affairs because of this threat over your head. Ask if you can use his bad behaviour in your favour in the event of divorce.
Prepare for the worst because your marriage is not on the mend. You have to compromise your heart and soul to keep this family together. Is it worth the heartache?
What man is he to use you as a firewall when he too has committed the same sin of betrayal and stolen lust?
Has he ever stopped to think of his children? Is he so vengeful that he could so easily forget his love for family and neglect his responsibility as husband, father, son and brother?
Do not allow this abuse to continue. You have paid your dues. Check out your legal rights and plan your exit with the children.
You need to get away from the heavy burden and start your own life afresh. You are financially independent and capable. You can better options than most under the same circumstances.
Restore your dignity and pride. Talk to your children honestly but do not force them to take sides. Allow them to love their father but they should understand that they must not be made victims of a failed marriage.
If your husband wants to come back to you, welcome him into your heart and bed. But, set the terms and do not compromise love out of revenge and vindictiveness.
You both need to work very hard at your marriage to cleanse the wounds and scars of the past. Recognise that there were mistakes made by both parties and seek counselling if necessary.
You have a lot of strength and will in you. Fight for your marriage and love for your family.
But if you are being used and abused, blackmailed and threatened, leave this callous man. You do not have to suffer a lifetime for one mistake you made.