Chart your own course

AT 18, I am not sure if I’m mature, but I’ve started thinking about certain topics. What bothers me is marriage.
Following Indian culture, a woman who has reached a certain age should get married. If she doesn’t, she will be frowned upon by her community and be accused of committing some activity that’s against her culture. Sometimes, her parents will be blamed for having brought her up badly.
On her part, a daughter has to give in to avoid bringing shame to her family – even though she might not wish to get married.
But I don’t want to live a life that satisfies other people’s wishes. I want to follow my instincts, heart and will. And my will is to stay single.
I’ve hated the idea of marriage since Primary school. Once, I told my mother about this, but she didn’t take me seriously. I haven’t stopped telling her the same thing, yet she refuses to believe me and says my feelings will change with time.
I’m not interested in having a boyfriend or husband, or even a sex life. As a kid, I used to see my parents quarrel. Till today, they are mentally divorced. Once, I saw dad slap mum, who doesn’t have the freedom to do her own things. Dad doesn’t like her to speak to whomever she wishes, and she cannot go where she likes. To top it all, she’s not satisfied with her husband and her disastrous marriage.
The same goes for my eldest sister. Her husband has a good heart but he’s quite inconsiderate about other people’s feelings. He’s bossy towards sis, who has to do all the chores for her in-laws. She has a hard time with her job and a baby, keeping the house together and putting up with her husband’s behaviour. Looking at all this, I don’t think that married life will work out for me.
Besides these fears, my freedom is curbed. I have to ask permission before making any decision. I can’t go outdoors – the only places I frequent are school and the tuition centre. Sometimes, I feel stressed out because nobody understands my situation. I’m afraid my dreams won’t materialise after I tie the knot. I hate commitment and prefer to live on my own. If I had a stable job, I could adopt children from an orphanage.
I’m not sure how parents will react to my stand about remaining single. Will they accept the real me? Although I’m not bothered about people’s negative perceptions about this, I’m still uncertain about some issues.

Uncertain Future

YOU are too young to feel so cynical and fearful about your future. Understand and respect your tradition and culture, but do not feel that they are traps and pitfalls you cannot escape from.
It is more important that you do not feel as if you must suffer the same fate as your mother and sister. You see two unhappy women caught in marriages that have robbed them of self-respect and freedom. Marriage seems to be one huge sacrifice, without any appreciation of self and worth.
At 18, you’re not allowed to do as you wish. Your mind tells you to beware and be warned. You remind yourself that you should not marry if you value freedom and happiness. But you worry about your parents’ reaction should they find out that you prefer to remain a spinster.
You are just too young to worry so much. As a woman of the new millennium, you should not be shackled by the chains of the past. Let things be and plan for what you want in life. Concentrate on your studies and think about your career. Your ticket to freedom is financial independence and having the will to live as you wish. Be focused and do not waste your life fretting about the fates of others. They have made their choices. You have the chance to change yours. But it does not mean that you should steer clear of love, marriage and having children of your own to avoid the same unhappiness you see in your mother and sister. Escapism is not living.
Many women, regardless of race and religion, are able to shape their fate and destiny. They have found happiness, self-respect and dignity. They have good husbands and wonderful children. This is from working at their marriage, through compromise and understanding. They did not have to change tradition and culture. They just learnt to keep the best and sieve out the unnecessary.