I ‘killed’ my wife
I CAUSED my wife’s death, indirectly – and she wasn’t even 40. We had been married for over 10 years and had a son. She died in the operating theatre and I wasn’t even aware of the operation.
Two years ago I had an emotional infidelity with B, my colleague A’s wife from China. They were having problems because he was always at work. Initially, I gave B advice. Then we started going out. She would call at night, when A was working, and we’d confide in each other.
I never slept with her, and never intended to, although we held hands, hugged and kissed. She said she would never betray her husband by having sex with me.
I worked in Singapore but my wife was based in Kuala Lumpur. She came from a refined background while my family is like a triad organisation. When we first met as clerks, she had many suitors, but she chose to be with me. When her family migrated to Canada, she stayed behind with her grandmother and an aunt.
When I was retrenched in 1998, my wife held three jobs to get us through our financial crisis. That was the year I left for Singapore. Initially, I came home twice monthly. Then the tips became infrequent and the phone calls shorter because I preferred being with B.
I used to confide in my smart wife, who understood my loneliness and encouraged me to go out, but reminded me about my limit. It wasn’t difficult for her to find out about B. I told her I would end my emotional infidelity, but by then, I was addicted to B. It was as if a spell had befallen me.
We started quarrelling and I blamed my wife for being suspicious and not trusting me. Everything she did seemed wrong, including the way she raised our son, who is smart and disciplined. When I suggested divorce, she cut her wrist in front of me and I had to take her to the hospital. Our relationship got from bad to worse.
My wife’s health suffered and she fell into a depression. But she kept our marital problems from her family. She developed hypertension, which led to a heart attack, thus the surgery. Her family flew home but couldn’t contact me as I had switched off my cell phone.
My son finally got me through the office. When I arrived at the crematorium, I did not get to see my wife one last time. She had left instructions to donate her organs if she were to die, and had made her family promise not to be angry with me.
She also left me a letter asking me to forget about her and get on with life. She thanked me for giving her a beautiful son and begged that her parents be allowed to take him to Canada. She also left me a substantial sum from her insurance – to settle my debts.
I know my in-laws love my kid and he will be in good hands. But he is the only reminder I have of my wife. I don’t know if he blames me for his mum’s death. He did not even shed a tear throughout the funeral. I want to get him something before he leaves, but he says even the most expensive gift wouldn’t bring his mum back. He asked me to let go of him and be happy with my new freedom.
It breaks my soul knowing that I have made a big mistake. I can’t eat, sleep or work and life no longer has any meaning. I had hoped to make amends to my son. He says he does not hate me, but wants to start a new life with his mum’s family and forget about his unhappiness here. He says he will continue to do well in his studies and get on with his life – just as his mum would have liked him to do.
I asked him to spend some time with me before leaving but he turned that down. I feel so helpless.
Useless Guy
YOU must give your son the time and space he needs to heal. His grief runs very deep, so the tears cannot flow. He is hurt and in shock. He does not hate you because of his mother’s wish. But he probably needs time to forgive you for the pain you had caused her.
Do not try to make excuses for your emotional infidelity. You fell into Venus’ trap because you could not resist the lure of sweet words and stolen passion. The woman was playing with you and you were foolish enough to forget your good sense for such a long while.
However, nothing you do will bring your wife back. You can continue to wallow in piteous remorse and mope, but it’s not what your wife would wish for you. She died offering you the gift of her love and forgiveness. She planned it such that her child would be well cared for. She even left you money to settle your debts and had graciously offered you the freedom to live life without the burden of the past.
Snap out of your sorry state. Do not try to buy your way back into your son’s heart. Talk to him and tell him the truth – he is old enough to understand. Tell him that you loved his mother and had never slept with this other woman. But admit your mistakes and do not even mention black magic. Be sincere and honest for your child deserve nothing less from you.
Let your son live with your wife’s relatives if you cannot care for him. But never believe that he does not love you. Do not give up keeping in touch and having him close at heart. You are his only parent now and he needs to know that he will always have your love and support.
Two years ago I had an emotional infidelity with B, my colleague A’s wife from China. They were having problems because he was always at work. Initially, I gave B advice. Then we started going out. She would call at night, when A was working, and we’d confide in each other.
I never slept with her, and never intended to, although we held hands, hugged and kissed. She said she would never betray her husband by having sex with me.
I worked in Singapore but my wife was based in Kuala Lumpur. She came from a refined background while my family is like a triad organisation. When we first met as clerks, she had many suitors, but she chose to be with me. When her family migrated to Canada, she stayed behind with her grandmother and an aunt.
When I was retrenched in 1998, my wife held three jobs to get us through our financial crisis. That was the year I left for Singapore. Initially, I came home twice monthly. Then the tips became infrequent and the phone calls shorter because I preferred being with B.
I used to confide in my smart wife, who understood my loneliness and encouraged me to go out, but reminded me about my limit. It wasn’t difficult for her to find out about B. I told her I would end my emotional infidelity, but by then, I was addicted to B. It was as if a spell had befallen me.
We started quarrelling and I blamed my wife for being suspicious and not trusting me. Everything she did seemed wrong, including the way she raised our son, who is smart and disciplined. When I suggested divorce, she cut her wrist in front of me and I had to take her to the hospital. Our relationship got from bad to worse.
My wife’s health suffered and she fell into a depression. But she kept our marital problems from her family. She developed hypertension, which led to a heart attack, thus the surgery. Her family flew home but couldn’t contact me as I had switched off my cell phone.
My son finally got me through the office. When I arrived at the crematorium, I did not get to see my wife one last time. She had left instructions to donate her organs if she were to die, and had made her family promise not to be angry with me.
She also left me a letter asking me to forget about her and get on with life. She thanked me for giving her a beautiful son and begged that her parents be allowed to take him to Canada. She also left me a substantial sum from her insurance – to settle my debts.
I know my in-laws love my kid and he will be in good hands. But he is the only reminder I have of my wife. I don’t know if he blames me for his mum’s death. He did not even shed a tear throughout the funeral. I want to get him something before he leaves, but he says even the most expensive gift wouldn’t bring his mum back. He asked me to let go of him and be happy with my new freedom.
It breaks my soul knowing that I have made a big mistake. I can’t eat, sleep or work and life no longer has any meaning. I had hoped to make amends to my son. He says he does not hate me, but wants to start a new life with his mum’s family and forget about his unhappiness here. He says he will continue to do well in his studies and get on with his life – just as his mum would have liked him to do.
I asked him to spend some time with me before leaving but he turned that down. I feel so helpless.
Useless Guy
YOU must give your son the time and space he needs to heal. His grief runs very deep, so the tears cannot flow. He is hurt and in shock. He does not hate you because of his mother’s wish. But he probably needs time to forgive you for the pain you had caused her.
Do not try to make excuses for your emotional infidelity. You fell into Venus’ trap because you could not resist the lure of sweet words and stolen passion. The woman was playing with you and you were foolish enough to forget your good sense for such a long while.
However, nothing you do will bring your wife back. You can continue to wallow in piteous remorse and mope, but it’s not what your wife would wish for you. She died offering you the gift of her love and forgiveness. She planned it such that her child would be well cared for. She even left you money to settle your debts and had graciously offered you the freedom to live life without the burden of the past.
Snap out of your sorry state. Do not try to buy your way back into your son’s heart. Talk to him and tell him the truth – he is old enough to understand. Tell him that you loved his mother and had never slept with this other woman. But admit your mistakes and do not even mention black magic. Be sincere and honest for your child deserve nothing less from you.
Let your son live with your wife’s relatives if you cannot care for him. But never believe that he does not love you. Do not give up keeping in touch and having him close at heart. You are his only parent now and he needs to know that he will always have your love and support.
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