Talk to me, mum

I LOST my 61-year-old dad suddenly, recently. As the eldest of four children, I used to think that he was biased against me – he gave all he had to my siblings. So I always told him that he hated me. Sometimes, I felt so angry I’d say, “I will not cry if dad dies.”
I was VERY WRONG. Seeing him helpless and gasping for breath in the hospital, my heart hurt. I wished I could hug him and tell him, “Dad, I don’t hate you any more. Please forgive me. I love you very much.”
But he left before I could say sorry and now I have to live with my guilt and pain until I die.
When my husband died six years ago, leaving me with two daughters (now aged seven and nine), I moved back home. I’m 37 and have muscular dystrophy.
Dad had set up a small stall for me, selling top-up coupons at a food mall. When he died, mum used the remaining money for his funeral expenses. She wanted me to close my stall and stay home.
But I couldn’t because I had unsettled debts with Ah Longs. I’d borrowed money to buy hand phone accessories to sell because I didn’t have any savings.
Mum gave me lots of pressure. She told relatives and friends not to help me and began treating me like I was “invisible”. Desperate, I stole her jewellery to sell. When she found out, she hit me with dad’s tongkat and chased me out of the house.
I know mum was very hurt and angry but I had no choice as I had to safeguard my business. I cannot afford to lose my stall because it’s all I have. No one will employ me and I don’t want to depend on other people in the future.
I’ve tried explaining that to mum but she won’t listen or help me. Now that I’ve returned home, she treats me like a stranger. I miss the jokes and petty arguments we used to have. She has even padlocked her room, for fear that I will steal her things again.
I’m slowly paying off my debts but I don’t earn enough to move out. I’ve lost dad and I don’t want to lose mum too. She was the one who looked after my girls, cooking and cleaning for all of us.
I know I’ve done wrong and I want to tell her I’m sorry and how much I love her. I want to be independent, stable and happy. But I also want my mum back.Girlie

YOUR love is so strong and sincere, your father must have known before he died. He would not want you to live with guilt and regret for the rest of your life.
For so many years, you felt like the unloved child. Your life has been a series of unfortunate events. Now, you are a widow with two young children, struggling with a disease, and no money.
Love and the support of loved ones are most important to you. So do not continue to bottle up your hurt and pain. Kneel and beg your mother for her forgiveness if you have to. Let out all the love and feelings in you, even though she must have forgiven you the day she allowed you back into her house.
You are not a bad daughter, just a rough and strong character who wants so strongly to keep your pride and self-respect. You stole out of desperation and fear of a future without money and assistance. However, you should have known better than to borrow from loan sharks. Haven’t you read about how families are ruined and torn apart when they fail to pay back their loans?
Try talking to your mother again. Do not get angry or emotional. Just explain the reasons for your need to keep working. It is commendable that you want to work to take care of your children instead of waiting for handouts. However, if you are limited by your physical disability, do not be too proud to accept assistance.
Be proud of the person that you are. You have made some mistakes but your heart is not bitter or vindictive. Be at peace with yourself and you will know love.