Time to let it out

I WAS an easy-going person until I started admiring R three months ago. She is a year older than me, and smart, popular and pretty – which I’m not. But my friends say she is boastful and arrogant. Maybe that’s why many of the students in my school hate her.
Every time I see her, my heart beats faster and I become nervous. My friends have noticed this. R does not know I like her, but she has caught me looking at her. I just can’t control myself. I did very badly in my exams last term because I couldn’t concentrate on my studies.
R has told my friend that she hates lesbians – people like me. I started crying when I heard that. I dreamt about her during the holidays and planned to talk to her when school reopened. But I haven’t because she is always with her pals.
Now our schoolmates know I like R and the gossip has spread. My friends have told me to forget her and concentrate on my studies but I can’t. Please don’t tell me to mix with boys and get to know them because my father doesn’t allow me to do so.
I don’t know if I’m in love with R, or that I just admire her. How can I start a conversation with her?
Confused Gal

YOU are not a lesbian just because you have intense feelings for someone of the same sex. Many teenagers go through the same emotional angst and sexual confusion because of raging hormones and, sometimes, mental repression.
You are not allowed to mix with guys. But when your mind and body are sexually aware, you need to channel such feelings on to someone. It probably happens that you like this girl and feel especially drawn to her. She is everything you admire and has the qualities you believe you lack.
Don’t get too caught up in your confusion or you will go round and round wondering if you’re gay or straight. Try to get to know her instead of gaping from afar. Avoiding her and ignoring your feelings will not help.
She is just a normal teenager, like you. Do not be afraid to have a friendly chat. Talk to her friends if you can’t start a conversation with her. Have more confidence in yourself and you will not be tongue-tied and intimidated. Take pride in yourself and you will not feel so inferior.
Being a teenager is tough. You can’t even seem to understand yourself, let alone your feelings. Your body and emotions are changing and you feel so intense and aware. You are at a loss when it comes to overwhelming emotions.
When you have a strict parent, it is important not to bury your emotional needs beneath rules and expectations. Learn to communicate; talk to your mother if you are afraid of your father. Don’t repress your feelings or you will find yourself striking out on the wrong path due to pressure. Know yourself, too, or you will find it difficult to grow out of the maze you feel trapped in.

Fallen angel

I GOT to know her via the Net. I had had two bitter relationships before but decided to go steady with her when she said she loved me. I took her to meet my parents and relatives.
My family liked her and I used to drive her around and buy things for her whenever she was sick or busy. When she needed a quiet place to study for her college exams, I suggested that she move to a hostel.
I invited her to celebrate her birth-day in my house. I bought presents and cooked all the dishes she liked. Instead, she went to Kuala Lumpur with her college mates and ended up sleeping with a guy she’d met for the first time.
She phoned me after coming back and said she wanted to break up. I refused and took her to my aunt’s place, where she vowed never to leave me. Soon after that, she left for KL again, for a “family function”.
Since then, she has been avoiding me. When my mum went to her house to see her, she called the police. She has also changed her cell phone.
I think her sister, who is in a train- ing college in KL, is to blame. She wants me dead because I know a lot of the things she does there.
It’s been nine months but I still love my gal. I have spent almost RM30,000 on her and am facing financial difficulties as I’m now jobless. I’ve always been very truthful and trusting. Now I’m mentally disturbed and stressed because of all this. I’ve tried to commit suicide three times.
Please Help

YOUR love is so intense that it seems to overwhelm good sense and reason. You can forgive your girlfriend for sleeping with another man and lying to you time and again. You prefer to hold her sister responsible, rather than taint her perfect image.
Perhaps you need psychiatric counselling to ease your hurt and help you understand that killing yourself will not solve your problems. You are mentally stressed and emotionally disturbed because you never expected that love could end so painfully.
You feel all the worse because you have given all your love and money, and sacrificed a good job for a gal who took everything, and used and betrayed you. You have discovered lies and deception, and got a slap in the face when she reported harassment to the police.
It’s all right to love her so dearly and deeply. It’s fine if you still wish to put her on a pedestal. But you must not fool yourself that she is the right woman to share your life.
See the truth so that you can be free to live and love again. She has many faults and has treated you and your family badly. Know her as the fallen angel, not someone beyond reproach.
Gather your strength and courage to get out of the pit you have fallen into. She is not worth giving up your life for. Forget your loss, emotional or monetary. It was a lesson learnt, an unfortunate experience that you need to accept. Then get on with living for yourself again.

Better alone than unwanted

THREE years ago, my husband brought a woman home and bedded her for two nights. This happened while I was away at a course. My maid let the cat out of the bag. He was remorseful and I forgave him.
Four months back, he brought another woman home the night he sent me to the airport. This time, my mom “caught” him with the lady in the house.
He confessed, but this time, he wasn’t remorseful at all. He said he had not been happy with me for a long time and he wants to leave me, whether or not he had another woman in his life. He said he’s happy to do whatever he pleases, whenever he pleases, with whomever he pleases. But his face didn’t reflect his happiness.
We’ve been married for 26 years and are blessed with two wonderful, smart children. I had been happy and my husband’s actions are really devastating. I am still hopelessly in love with him and can’t stop thinking about and dreaming of him.
We started sleeping in different rooms. But for the past two weeks, he has not been sleeping at home. He has been to see a lawyer and is demanding a divorce. Both the women whom he’d been courting are married with children.
It gets very empty and lonely at home without my children, who are away working and studying.
I’ve tried getting my husband’s close friends and relatives to advise him, but in vain. He knows that I want him back in my life, but he’s adamant to divorce me.
The children are angry and fed up with their dad and have asked me to move on. That is painful and very hard for me to do. During the day, it’s easy to programme my life and fill it with activities. But when night comes ... my love for him just won’t die!
Tired of Begging

AFTER 26 years together, it’s not easy adjusting to life without a partner.
He might have been cold, callous and guilty of betraying your love and trust. Yet you feel that you cannot let him go without a fight.
However, you need to ask yourself when the love died for him.
What happened in your marriage that caused his defiant affairs? Bringing other women home, making love on your matrimonial bed and getting caught, deliberately, sends out a strong message. He wants to get out of the marriage, but probably hopes that you will kick him out.
If you still want to fight for your man, think of what you can do to change his mind. His actions were cruel and mean. He did not bother to spare you pain and hurt. He told you blatantly that he does not love you any more. He has moved out and is seeking a divorce, without caring for your feelings. Can you move his cold and empty heart with your love and passion?
Try to get him back, if you must. But be warned that the pain could get worse should he reject you again.
Perhaps he should be left alone until he realises how lonely it can be without wife and children, love and support.
Perhaps you need to learn to live for yourself, not for a man who does not care.
There are support groups for women like you. Share their experiences and understand that you can heal.
The nights will be less intimidating when you feel more secure about yourself. You can live without a man who no longer loves you.

Put back the passion

I HAVE fallen out of love with my husband. We have a year-old daughter and live with his family. I work hard to maintain the passion in our marriage, but my husband has never taken it really seriously. Whenever I tell him or argue with him about this, he will give excuses. Then he will promise to change. But he is not persistent and in the end, nothing happens.
I like to get intimate with my husband and have made many such attempts. Sometimes I succeed, but many times I fail. Take a simple thing like getting him to pay attention to me: he always can’t wait to get back to his laptop.
After all these years, the only thing he does that I appreciate is that he is willing to take care of our daughter. When I think of him as my husband, I feel like crying.
Once, I told him to look for someone to love and who will love him. He said he still loved me very much, even though he didn’t show it. Words but no action? Does this make him someone I can trust?
Whenever I tell my close friends about my problem, they judge me because my husband gives the impression that he is a nice guy. I am a woman who needs to be understood. Most of the time I even help him out financially although I earn much less than him. I feel very insecure and hopeless.
I had been ignoring my feelings because I didn’t want to believe that I could fall out of love with my husband. The more I tried, the more pain I felt. The worst thing was that I began seeing a married man. He used to be the sweetest man I’d ever met; he gave me hope and a sense of living like a woman. He loved me like a woman and did everything to make me feel better.
But good things never last. When he found out that his wife was pregnant, he felt bad and decided to be a good father.
I want to live better, but my heart aches. I have to be happy in front of my daughter, and that’s so suffocating. Many times I cry and pray to god to take me away.
Doomed

YOU are doomed because you wish it. You have been feeling so sorry for yourself, wallowing in pain and grief because of your dull, empty marriage and failed affair. No one understands and even God has not answered your prayer for death. You feel alone and miserable as your tears fall unheard and your pain goes unheeded.
Maybe you should stop thinking of yourself for a while. Your daughter is only a year old and needs a warm, loving mother. Your husband needs a wife who understands that he has work and career concerns. If he has been oblivious to your charms and attention, perhaps he is just working hard to give you the financial security you expect.
As you have found out, few would feel sorry for you. Your husband is a nice guy, a good father who loves you and your child. Certainly, he has his faults for he has failed to recognise your emotional and physical needs. But he hasn’t been playing around and his greatest mistake was neglecting you when you needed him most.
However, you have sufficient reasons to leave and even a good enough excuse to have an affair. You could keep on counting your guy’s shortcomings and tell yourself how unhappy he has made you. You believe that you have tried to communicate your feelings and passion but he was too engrossed in his work to pay you due attention.
It’s your choice to walk away from a man you believe you no longer love. You have a job and options in life because you are still young and attractive. There are other men who are available. But you must not delude yourself that life can be so much better for a divorcee with a young child.
Sometimes, it is important to take stock of what we have and count our blessings. See the good qualities in your man. Help him when he has problems, talk to him when he seems stuck. Support him when he needs you and do not begrudge sharing what you have. You are family, husband and wife. Do not be too sensitive and calculating or you will always feel that you’re getting the short end of the stick.
When you are less bitter and discontented, you may feel more inclined to fight for your marriage again. Tell your husband some truths. He must be aware that sex and emotional intimacy are important in your marriage. Warn him, do not hold back your feelings. A man can be so blur.
Give your marriage the chance it deserves. If it doesn’t work, leave. You have done your best. Take on the next path but do not feel self-pity, gloom and doom. Only you can fail yourself.