In a porn bind

OURS was an arranged marriage. During our six months of courtship, my husband behaved like a saint. A month after we tied the knot, he bought an instant camera and started taking pictures here and there. One day, he hid it in our bathroom and took some shots of me in the nude.
Then he installed a hidden camera in our bedroom. He preferred to make love in the day and would tell his best friend how great he was in bed. The friend, also a newlywed, would tell his wife, and then she’d tell me. I was very furious and upset.
After talking to some married friends, I decided to confront my husband about the shots he’d taken of me. I told him that my body looked better than in his photos. For four hours, I lectured him about what how wrong it was to do what he did. I told him I could have done something drastic, like ask for a separation.
My husband begged me to forgive him and promised that he would never take such shots again, of me or anybody else. I made him remove the hidden camera and he asked me never to mention this incident again. I agreed because he is a nice person who takes good care of my mother and siblings. He is always there when we need him.
But lately, he got to know a man who told him that they could make big sums of money if my husband took shots of the man having sex with different women during the weekends. My husband refused, but now the man is going around saying that my husband is making money by filing these pictures.
I was very angry and went to confront him with my husband. The man said that he was unemployed and had three wives to support. Now, he is demanding RM10,000 to settle the whole matter. Of course we refused to pay him. Now we are in a fix and don’t know what to do.
Bad Shot

IF you husband has not done the deed, how can he be accused? You can charge this man for blackmail and libel if he is spreading lies and threatening your husband for money.
Unless there is evidence that your husband is involved in the filming and distribution of pornographic materials, there is nothing that the man can do. If your husband is guilty, then you will have to consult a lawyer. It is already a crime that he took nude shots of you without your consent. So pleading innocence will not hold in court if he is found to have been secretly filming sexual acts.
You have already taught your husband a lesson; hopefully, he can be cured of his secret passion and kinky urges. Cut out articles about people being charged for filming with phone cameras and for taking shots while hiding in toilets and changing rooms. It’s not fun to be thrown into prison for committing such foolish acts.
Have one last word with your husband. Find out the truth so that you can be prepared for the worst.

Best not to blame yourself

I READ with sorrow those letters about people betrayed by their partners. My hubby cheated on me for almost a year and I only found out six months after the affair had ended. I’ve always being a good wife and mother to our three beautiful children.
We are both in our late 40s. I just couldn’t believe my eyes when I read his love mail to this girl 24 years his junior. Till now, I am not able to forget those images of him in bed with her and all his pretence while with me.
By the way, he only comes back once a month for 12 days as he is working overseas.
Most Pain

MANY women have written in to share the same pain of trust lost and love betrayed. It is difficult to accept that the man you have been married to for so long can do this to you.
After finding out, you ask yourself over and over again what you should do. Even as your heart tells you to forgive, the bile rises from your gut as your mind mocks you with images of him with her. Then you try to be reasonable and practical, for the sake of the children.
And deep inside, perhaps you blame yourself the most. Do you deserve this? Have you aged, lost your looks and attraction so that he has to seek his pleasure with someone younger and more desirable? Perhaps, too, it’s your fault that he has to make a living so far from home?
Try to stop this self-torture and ask if he still loves you and the family. If he has stopped the affair and begged for forgiveness, do you trust that it is truly over? Can you live with the pain, smile and hold him, kiss and love him even as your heart beats with rage and anger?
You cannot find peace of mind until you can forgive him and yourself. When you start blaming and looking for reasons, there will be too many questions to answer. Some women leave because they feel the marriage has been empty and cold for longer than the affair. Some have managed to rebuild their relationships
and sometimes, end up happily ever after.
It is always better for the marriage if you can swallow the hurt and get on without recriminations, accusations and suspicion. Take steps to ensure that he has no chance to stray. Can he arrange for the family to be with him where he works? Or can he ask for a transfer back so that he is free from loneliness?
Reconciliation is the toughest part. You must learn patience and bear with the darkness in your heart until his love can help ease your pain.
But hang in there if there is love left in your marriage. Never give up without a good fight.

Time to snap into action

HEARTBREAK, confusion, regret, unease and all kinds of feelings have been plaguing me.
What is this thing called chemistry, or fondness for someone at first sight?
I cannot seem to forget him and can’t wait to see or just feel his presence. I don’t feel right if I don’t see him, yet I can’t sit tight if he’s near. I look away when he looks my way; I can’t make eye contact because my heart just beats too fast.
It has been over a year. He’s there in front of me but I can’t go anywhere near him. I like everything about this guy yet I don’t know a thing about him. It’s not that I haven’t tried to communicate; but I failed.
Every evening I just sit in a corner and watch him play ball and capture some of his moves on camera. Well, if I can’t get up close and personal, I can at least “keep” him in my memory.
I know that a person can seem perfect from far away, but his flaws will show once you get to know him. I want to get to know him better, as a friend, if not more. But I’m more ready to face failure than take my chances.
I’m looking for another job and I’ll leave with a heavy heart, knowing I will lose some-thing unless I try. Why is this happening?

Help!

MAYBE your furtive looks and intense gazes have left this guy bewildered and unsure. Catching him on camera secretly, and watching him from the same spot every day from a corner sound disconcerting and emotionally warped.
If you want to know a guy better, you should be more open and communicative. You have been watching this fellow for over a year, yet you are afraid to do nothing more than dream and ponder in silence. You have painted this perfect picture of him in your heart and fear that he is flawed should you get to know him better. This is quite unreal.
You want to quit your job and run from failure, yet you think that perhaps you might win the guy if you dared. You seem afraid to live your life fully, with courage and hope. You talk yourself out of positive action and mope in hopelessness and woe. You seem to enjoy living with dark thoughts and secret feelings.
Snap out of this mindset of self-pity and depression. You have to live life, not write about it and be melodramatic. If you like a guy, talk to him and ask him for coffee or a movie. Learn to interact, dress up and make the best of what you are. Be confident and less timid. Don’t wrap yourself within negative thoughts. Live with zest and joy.

Who should I please?

I AM an only child and still studying. I started a relationship with a guy after my SPM and I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. My parents don’t know about him because they’ve told me not to have a boyfriend while I’m still studying.
This guy likes me very much and wants to go out with me and do the things couples do. But I cannot as I’m afraid my parents will find it out. Whenever I go out, they will ask questions like who I’m going out with, what time I’ll be back, my friend’s telephone numbers, etc.
I dare not disappoint my parents as they have placed their hopes on me, although they don’t say it. Before this, I had a boyfriend but I kept that from them. Later, when I told my mother, she cried and asked me to break up. I could not cope with the stress, so I did.
Now, I feel like I’m torturing myself and the new guy. He misses me and is always asking me out. I do feel happy being with him, but for now, phone calls and SMS messages are enough. I have thought of breaking up with him as we feel more tortured than happy. What should I do that’s best for both of us, and my parents?

Lost and confused

YOU gave up on your last relationship because you did not want to disappoint your parents. The way you feel, you will have problems with love because of the guilt of having to cheat and lie to them.
As a filial daughter, you shoulder a heavy burden. You are young, lovely and full of life, and it’s natural that guys find you attractive. This is also a time of sexual and emotional awakening for you. Having to respect and abide by your parents’ wishes means having to suppress your own feelings and inclinations.
Sometimes, parents put too much pressure on their kids out of love and the need to do what they think is best. You dared not pursue a sweet, innocent first love because you did not want to hurt yours. Now, you have come to yet another similar cycle. How long can you put off your feelings and hopes? Worst, you know that you have to hurt someone, regardless of your decision. Sadly, you are probably the most affected party. To please your parents, you have to hurt the guy. If you follow your heart, you bear the guilt and pain of hurting your parents.
Perhaps you should talk to them again. Tell them your pain and ask for their understanding. Assure them that if love affects your studies, then you will give up the relationship. Don’t just stop at this. Learn to share a little of your feelings, plans and thoughts. Let them into part of your life so that they need not fear so much for their little girl’s future.
If you have dreams, do not be afraid to flex your wings and fly. Parents wish to guide and protect but should not cause so much emotional pressure to keep you close and safe. You will make your mistakes, learn, hurt and pick yourself up again. There should be no blame, guilt or regrets.

No trapping an old fox

I’VE been divorced for 12 years and have a kid. I have struggled hard since becoming a single parent and now hold a secure job, and have a car and house of my own.
I met A, a widower, five years and we get along well. In fact, we’re very much in love. He lives with his mother and two grown-up children. But whenever I mention marriage, he just says, “Wait”.
I have had two abortions. The second was a year ago, because he and his mum promised that there would be a marriage after I aborted our baby. I was stupid enough to listen to them.
I have told A many times that he cheated me on that. But I know he really loves me. I don’t take any money from him.
What else does he need from me? I come from a respectable family. How long am I to tolerate all this? He’s in his late 50s and I’m in my early 40s.
So far, he has never met my kid – he doesn’t want to. My siblings keep pushing me to marry, but no one has ever confronted A. Even my kid is pushing me towards marriage.
I’m really tired of this man. His siblings accuse me of being after his wealth. (I heard about this from a friend.) As a result of all this, I have hypertension and my health is giving way.
I’d suffered enough with my ex-husband, a gambler. I don’t want to fall again. I’m sick of the way A has been treating me these last five years: his excuses are always his mum, who’s 80, his kids, and his siblings, who are married.
I’ve had sleepless nights hoping that someday, I will be his wife. I have sacrificed a lot for him and I feel helpless now.
Depressed Single Mother

IF this man had never cared to meet your kid and insisted on aborting his own child, he must have reasons not to get married. A man in love would not be so cold and heartless.
You can go on hoping to be his wife. You can continue to make sacrifices, and allow your health to deteriorate and suffer sleepless nights. But this man will try to avoid the commitment of marriage and responsibility. His family seems to encourage this and you are at the losing end. Frankly, why bother to push for marriage with someone who seems so insincere and uninterested?
While you believe that he truly loves you, he has done nothing to earn your trust. Sure, you are financially independent and capable. But neither has he offered more than sex and empty promises.
However, if you think that having him around is better than not, then accept the situation. You have been waiting five long years and, hopefully, he is too old to keep you on the sidelines. But again, his children are all grown up and they may resent a stepmother and half-siblings in their father’s life.
If wealth were an issue, who would want to lose his share? You have already gone through much in life. Now should not be the time for heartache and disillusion. In your heart, you know that you will not be able to force this man to marry you. This relationship has always been on his terms, according to his wishes. He is using you selfishly, without regard for your hopes and feelings.
Sometimes, it may be easier to enjoy a relationship without any complications. Accept this man and do not bother to harbour more false hopes.
Raise your child with love, not in an environment darkened by your own hurt and insecurities. Take precautions and do not get pregnant. You can never trap an old fox. Remember, too, that abortion is the heartless killing of your own flesh and blood.

First foolish fling

I AM 18 and I come from a very religious and morally upright family. I have a loving girlfriend and the opportunity to pursue my dream occupation. But I fear I’m going to lose all these because of a sinful act.
I had unprotected sex with a prostitute. It was my first time and it lasted for not more than one minute. I felt really guilty after that. I paid up and left quickly.
The damage is done. I cannot concentrate on what I’m doing. Morally, I feel very down. I have an exam coming up very soon. I am scared of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease.
The incident happened recently. I don’t wish to tell my friends and especially my family (including my girlfriend). Neither do I wish to repeat the same mistake. What should I do? Do I need to take any precautions? Should I have a medical check-up? Can I ever redeem my self?
Foolish & Lost

FORGIVE yourself for your first foolish act. You are not the only young man who cannot control his lust and passion when raging hormones overpower good sense and sensibility.
Go for a medical check-up to ensure that you have not contracted any sexually-transmitted diseases. After this incident, it is very unlikely that you will have unprotected sex again. Learn to think before you act. AIDS kills and this is warning enough.
Don’t pressure yourself and mull over the past. Get a grip on your reaction and do not feel that you have committed the worst of sins in breaching your family’s high moral code. Knowing your mistake and wanting to redeem yourself are enough reasons for forgiveness and understanding, even should the truth be known.

Chart your own course

AT 18, I am not sure if I’m mature, but I’ve started thinking about certain topics. What bothers me is marriage.
Following Indian culture, a woman who has reached a certain age should get married. If she doesn’t, she will be frowned upon by her community and be accused of committing some activity that’s against her culture. Sometimes, her parents will be blamed for having brought her up badly.
On her part, a daughter has to give in to avoid bringing shame to her family – even though she might not wish to get married.
But I don’t want to live a life that satisfies other people’s wishes. I want to follow my instincts, heart and will. And my will is to stay single.
I’ve hated the idea of marriage since Primary school. Once, I told my mother about this, but she didn’t take me seriously. I haven’t stopped telling her the same thing, yet she refuses to believe me and says my feelings will change with time.
I’m not interested in having a boyfriend or husband, or even a sex life. As a kid, I used to see my parents quarrel. Till today, they are mentally divorced. Once, I saw dad slap mum, who doesn’t have the freedom to do her own things. Dad doesn’t like her to speak to whomever she wishes, and she cannot go where she likes. To top it all, she’s not satisfied with her husband and her disastrous marriage.
The same goes for my eldest sister. Her husband has a good heart but he’s quite inconsiderate about other people’s feelings. He’s bossy towards sis, who has to do all the chores for her in-laws. She has a hard time with her job and a baby, keeping the house together and putting up with her husband’s behaviour. Looking at all this, I don’t think that married life will work out for me.
Besides these fears, my freedom is curbed. I have to ask permission before making any decision. I can’t go outdoors – the only places I frequent are school and the tuition centre. Sometimes, I feel stressed out because nobody understands my situation. I’m afraid my dreams won’t materialise after I tie the knot. I hate commitment and prefer to live on my own. If I had a stable job, I could adopt children from an orphanage.
I’m not sure how parents will react to my stand about remaining single. Will they accept the real me? Although I’m not bothered about people’s negative perceptions about this, I’m still uncertain about some issues.

Uncertain Future

YOU are too young to feel so cynical and fearful about your future. Understand and respect your tradition and culture, but do not feel that they are traps and pitfalls you cannot escape from.
It is more important that you do not feel as if you must suffer the same fate as your mother and sister. You see two unhappy women caught in marriages that have robbed them of self-respect and freedom. Marriage seems to be one huge sacrifice, without any appreciation of self and worth.
At 18, you’re not allowed to do as you wish. Your mind tells you to beware and be warned. You remind yourself that you should not marry if you value freedom and happiness. But you worry about your parents’ reaction should they find out that you prefer to remain a spinster.
You are just too young to worry so much. As a woman of the new millennium, you should not be shackled by the chains of the past. Let things be and plan for what you want in life. Concentrate on your studies and think about your career. Your ticket to freedom is financial independence and having the will to live as you wish. Be focused and do not waste your life fretting about the fates of others. They have made their choices. You have the chance to change yours. But it does not mean that you should steer clear of love, marriage and having children of your own to avoid the same unhappiness you see in your mother and sister. Escapism is not living.
Many women, regardless of race and religion, are able to shape their fate and destiny. They have found happiness, self-respect and dignity. They have good husbands and wonderful children. This is from working at their marriage, through compromise and understanding. They did not have to change tradition and culture. They just learnt to keep the best and sieve out the unnecessary.

Time to snap into action

HEARTBREAK, confusion, regret, unease and all kinds of mixed-up feelings have been plaguing me. My question is: What is this thing called chemistry, or fondness for someone at first sight?
I cannot seem to forget him and can’t wait to see or just feel his presence. I don’t feel right if I don’t see him, yet I can’t sit tight if he’s near. I look away when he looks my way; I can’t make eye contact because my heart just beats too fast.
It has been over a year. He’s there in front of me but I can’t go anywhere near him. I like everything about this guy yet I don’t know a thing about him. It’s not that I haven’t tried to communicate; but I failed. I’m not sure whether it was the way I asked or he just wasn’t keen to talk. After that, I never had the guts to try again.
Every evening I just sit in a corner and watch him play ball and capture some of his moves on camera. Well, if I can’t get up close and personal, I can at least “keep” him in my memory.
I know that a person can seem perfect from far away, but his flaws will show once you get to know him. I want to get to know him better, as a friend, if not more. But I’m more ready to face failure than take my chances.
I’ll be looking for another job soon and I’ll leave with a heavy heart, knowing that I will lose something unless I try. Why is this happening?

Help!

MAYBE your furtive looks and intense gazes have left this guy bewildered and unsure. Catching him on camera secretly, and watching him from the same spot every day from a corner sound disconcerting and emotionally warped.
If you want to know a guy better, you should be more open and communicative. You have been watching this fellow for over a year, yet you are afraid to do nothing more than dream and ponder in silence. You have painted this perfect picture of him in your heart and fear that he is flawed should you get to know him better. This is quite unreal.
You want to quit your job and run from failure, yet you think that perhaps you might win the guy if you dared. Sad to say, you seem afraid to live your life fully, with courage and hope. You talk yourself out of positive action and mope in hopelessness and woe. You seem to enjoy living with dark thoughts and secret feelings.
Snap out of this mindset of self-pity and depression. You have to live life, not write about it and be melodramatic. If you like a guy, talk to him and ask him for coffee or a movie. Learn to interact, dress up and make the best of what you are. Be confident and less timid. Don’t wrap yourself within negative thoughts. Live with zest and joy.