Ring of discontent

I’VE been having sleepless nights. Besides being six months pregnant (with my second child), I am having serious doubts about the very nature of my marriage.
My husband and I had a whirlwind romance and decided very early on in the courtship to get married. But a week before the wedding, he tearfully confessed that he had major financial problems, and wanted to postpone the event. I was shocked because there was never any indication of that earlier. No doubt, we had only been together for three months, and I never asked about his finances as he was independent and so was I.
I was hysterical when he suggested a postponement because I couldn’t face my parents, family and community. Plus, we were madly in love. Somehow, I managed to reassure (convince/manipulate?) him that we’d be all right and to go ahead with the wedding.
Three years on, we are still very much in love and have sorted out our finances. On that level, I am secure. But I can’t help but have this niggling doubt about my husband’s last minute ? cold feet?
Did I inadvertently force him to marry me? Was he actually trying to get out of it? I can’t bring myself to ask him that now. He’d say I am being ridiculous or paranoid! But it’s eating me up inside. My husband is a loving, kind-hearted and generous man. We have a happy marriage, but I just can’t find the words to ask him about this one thing.
Another thing: at that time, he didn’t have the money for the rings, so I bought two simple wedding bands for us and he promised to buy me a proper diamond wedding ring when he was able to. He has been able to for a while now, but something more important always crops up to pre-empt this purchase – like renovating the house, landscaping the garden, or buying a second car and a high-tech sound system for our home.
We are so much better off now than when we started out. Is he not buying the ring because he never wanted to marry me in the first place? The “financial problems” he had before our wedding weren’t really that bad. Am I going insane? Are my hormones raging?
Sleepless in Segambut

YOU are surely not insane as you are aware that your hormones are probably to blame here. And deep in your heart, you know that your husband loves you dearly despite his not having bought you the “proper” wedding ring.
However, it will not help if you continue to fret and stew in silence. Your baby needs a happy, contented mother. So do not be afraid to speak your mind as only your husband can offer the assurance you need to hear and know. He probably had cold feet just before the wedding when faced with the huge responsibility of marriage. He wasn’t trying to get out of marrying you, but he must have panicked over his dire financial straits and the need to take care of the woman he loves.
Pregnancy can create havoc with our emotions. The highs and lows are quite normal but you should talk about this with your gynaecologist if you feel constantly depressed and suffer doubts about your relationship. Depression affects some pregnant women and you must not feel that you are the problem.
Do not be afraid to assert your feelings when necessary. You must learn to talk and communicate with your husband to clear your heart and mind of fears and insecurities. A marriage will not fare well if you harbour doubts of your man’s love and sincerity.
Don’t wait and wonder. Take him to the jewellers’ and pick the ring you know you can now afford. He is not the first man to place other things as priority after marriage. Put the sparkle back in life and know that you are loved and cherished.

Erotic games can backfire

I AM in my early 40s and so is my husband, a loving man who used to take me for holidays. We would go to my elder sister’s house in Malacca. My sister, a schoolteacher, is in her late 40s. She is married to an executive in a private company.
During a week-long visit, my husband told me that my brother-in-law had a liking for me. He said the latter had suggested swapping wives and my husband agreed. He wanted me to agree, too.
Hubby told me my sister was okay with the idea and kept pushing me till I gave in. The next day, I felt guilty when I saw my sister, but she said she had a wonderful time with my husband. Later in the day, my husband also said that he had enjoyed himself with her.
The problem is, I enjoyed myself too, although I had been scared at first. I was excited and deep down, I was looking forward to more. Is it normal? Since then, I’ve been asking my husband to find new partners to do it with.
Worried

YOU are caught in a web of self-deceit and unhealthy sex. Swapping partners and enjoying it can spell trouble and emotional trauma when it gets out of control.
Getting into erotic sex may seem exciting and thrilling. You tell yourself that you were coerced into it, hence you are not to be blamed. You feel guilty for enjoying such illicit sex, yet you burn with excitement and new-found passion. It’s even better because all the parties involved are people you know and love.
You want to be told that there is nothing wrong with having sex with multiple partners. This is lying to yourself because you know that sex with different partners can never bring you true happiness and emotional fulfilment. What happens if you should fall in love with your brother-in-law? How would you feel if your husband called out your sister’s name while he is in your arms?
Don’t encourage such games as you can get hurt badly. Suspicion and feelings of betrayal will creep in to destroy the harmony of love and marriage. If you have children, how can you explain such behaviour? Can you honestly say that it’s normal to sleep around indiscriminately to satisfy such base, animal instincts?
Be honest with yourself and you will know right from wrong. No one can tell you how to live your life. It’s always your choice and the consequences are yours to bear.

Butt of gossip and ridicule

I ALWAYS go for movies. But some people in the cinemas say unkind and silly things about me, so loudly that I can hear. Or they laugh and stare at me. It’s different people each time. They refuse to stop even when I ignore them.
In the city, people play practical jokes on me, like coming up to me to break wind or burp. Isn’t that disgusting? I have heard people chanting “Toilet, toilet” as I walked past them.
At one pharmacy, someone even commented on my clothes! And I wasn’t wearing anything revealing.
In the bus and LRT, and at banks, restaurants and shopping complexes, people talk about me, too. Often, I can hear them. Some even look into my garbage bag to see what I throw out. When I opened the front door of my house for some air, I could hear someone calling me a prostitute! It’s totally baseless, yet others love to listen to them!
Tell these gossipmongers off? Ask them to think how they would feel if people talked bad about them? I don’t even know them, so why should they judge me or bad-mouth me, or influence others to shun me? I’m just an ordinary person, so why can’t they stop disturbing me?
I have a happy life, so don’t try to take that away from me. If these people are unhappy, they shouldn’t disturb other people’s wonderful life. I have been patient. But if I hear more nonsense from gossipmongers I will expose and embarrass them. So they should stop, now.
My-Life-is-NOT-for- Discussion

YOU are right; gossipmongers are the worst. However, you should not be so wrapped up in the feeling that almost everyone seems to be talking about you.
If you are happy and have a wonderful life, there is no reason for you to feel so enraged against gossipmongers. Even if they are talking about you, they can’t hurt you if you are confident and oblivious to unfounded talk and remarks. Such people are not worth your anger and conscious effort to ignore them.
Perhaps it will help to talk to someone close about your feelings. It’s not real if you believe that so many people around you seem to be gossiping and talking about you, calling you names and making rude comments. Frankly, most of them are too busy trying to make a living to talk and rant about strangers. It’s a state of mind that you seem trapped in and it’s important that you get out of this paranoia.
You need to express your feelings to someone who understands. If you need to calm your nerves, talk to a medical consultant. You don’t want to wake up every morning feeling that people are staring, gossiping and doing horrid things to upset you. Why allow this to spoil every day of your life?
Do not allow such negative feelings to take over your life. Concentrate on loved ones, family and things you enjoy. Go for your movies, shopping and routines but learn to disregard people who annoy you. They are not important to you so forget about them.