Relationship a strain

I have been going out with this guy for more than a year. Both of us are in our early 30s. We love each other and enjoy spending time together.
However, our relationship has been marred by the fact that he is currently self-employed. All is not well and he has been facing many obstacles. I have had to forget about having birthday gifts from him or any romantic Valentine gifts due to his financial constraints. I have faithfully stood by him and spent much time with him to give him moral and emotional support. I believe that he will succeed as long as he continues to strive, though I am aware it will be a difficult time for both of us.
My parents have pressuring me to settle down. I am ready to be with him through thick and thin, but he is not. He somehow feels that he does not want to drag me into his financial difficulties, especially if we were to be husband and wife.
My family feels that I am wasting my time with him. My mom even called me a slut. That really killed whatever pride I had left in me. It also tears me apart when they put him down.
No one believes that he will succeed. That’s fine by me, as long as he’s done his best. It is not the end of the world.
I have incurred the wrath of my parents whom I love dearly, just to be with him. But I do ask myself ? what has he done for this relationship? I feel like I’m battling this war alone.
I wish that he would stand up for me the same way I do for him. He has given me the choice to leave him but I have chosen to stay put.
Thelma, sometimes I wonder if he is beginning to take me for granted. I have to speak well of him in front of my family and friends. No one knows of the torment I go through. I cry myself to sleep some nights when I go through a bad patch with my family. I have talked to him about my family’s reaction, but still, all he does is listen. I wish so much that for once, he will be bold and do something concrete for US, to prove to my family that he is sincere about me.
I’m just tired of being the only one to protect our relationship. I feel like I’m about to explode. I’m just an ordinary woman who wants to be with the one she dearly loves but the man ain’t doing what a man’s supposed to do.
Anyone out there who has been in the same shoes ? is what I’m going through worth all these tears and heartache?
Love is Not a Bed of Roses

You’re tired and a little disappointed in your man. You wish that he can prove your folks wrong and show the world that he loves you enough to make it good in life.
But he’s an ordinary man too and he needs time to succeed. All this pressure on him will not help to make his life easier. Your tears and pain, your problems with the family, probably adds on to his sleepless nights. His silence does not mean that he cares less about you. He probably feels helpless at this moment because he has yet to make you proud.
You went into this relationship with your eyes open and your heart warned. While you need to heed the words of well-meaning family and friends, you should know your guy better. When the chips are down, support him with your strength and love and do not drag him down with regrets and demands.
He can’t give you roses or diamonds now. But perhaps when he is rich and successful, you will never lack. Others can call you a slut, a fool for being with him but you know you are not. You love him and know that he is worth waiting for. Why shed tears of shame and despair?
Love him and stick through the bad patches together. He will appreciate your love, support and encouragement all the more if you do not pile on the guilt and expectations. Know your mind and heart so that you do not feel the need to justify your love for this man.

I don’t understand my dad

I’M 20 years old. Once, I was a bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl. However, things changed when my father retired three years ago. He has become a changed man. Instead of respect, I now feel constantly annoyed with him.
When he first retired, I could still endure the changes as I thought that it was a transitional period before he got used to retired life. However, he has become increasingly annoying. Perhaps, he still thinks that I’m seven.
I notice that these days he prefers to speak to me at a very close distance (when he can actually choose to speak louder). This terrifies me, seeing him standing right up close in front of me. He follows me everywhere I go in the house. The list goes on. When I feel uncomfortable with his acts, and explain it to him, he just laughs.
I’ve even made use of the whiteboard in my house to explain to him how I feel, but he just ignores the messages. Sometimes, he even alters the messages to something really different (for example, hate becomes like, annoying is changed to lovely).
I am currently waiting for a place in a public university. It worries me that I still need to stay at home for so long before I can move out to further my studies in July. Besides, I’m also worried about my mom’s safety because my father still has some sexual urges. My mom has already given up hope on him even though she hasn’t filed for a divorce. It’s not convenient for me to elaborate on my situation further as I too feel embarrassed about this.
I just hope to end this nightmare as soon as possible for I’m worried if this goes on, I will need to see a psychiatrist. Is there any effective solution for me to tell him to stop doing such things?
Please Help

Perhaps you need to understand your father before you put him away as an annoying, weird old man who has been acting strangely. If his behaviour has undergone some drastic changes, then perhaps he needs medical help, not you.
Some retirees find it difficult to adjust to a life without purpose. They do not know what to do with their time after working hard for years without a break. Your father could feel this way and have been trying to get some attention from you. Perhaps he feels guilty for not giving you enough of his time and love when he was working.
You should also check if he’s got a hearing problem. Standing close to you could be the means to hear you better. If he is annoying, irritating and seemingly oblivious to your true feelings about him, it could be his way of blocking out the truth. Perhaps he simply does not want to know that no one cares about him or needs him at home.
You write that your mother has problems with your father. But in what way does his sexual needs spell danger for your mother’s safety? And why are you embarrassed that your father still has a need for sex? Your feelings for your father seem strained. Could it be that you feel sexually threatened as well?
Understand your fears. Talk to your mother. Do not see your father as someone your mother cannot love and whom you seem afraid and irritated with. Perhaps he needs help. Leaving home is an easy solution but will you be able to cope with your feelings towards your father?
You must not try to run away from the feelings that are bothering you. If you need to consult a psychiatrist, do so. You have to understand so that you do not have to suffer such fears about your own father.

Nothing to live for

I LOST both my parents when I was a teenager. A few years later, upon graduation and after having gone out with a wonderful guy for two years, we got married. I had yet to bear a child with my husband when he was diagnosed with a terminal disease. He succumbed to it in less than a year, and ever since, I have been a widow.
The loss of these three most important persons in my life happened within 15 years. In walking through these journeys of grief, I resorted to several ways to strengthen myself, psychologically and spiritually, for instance by reading books on how to deal with grief, attending counselling sessions and even threw myself into my career.
But the pessimism in me is still overwhelming. I have lost faith in religion, in people and in life. When I look around at people who are almost the same age as me, who are pampered with parental love and surrounded by spouses and children, I feel singled out for punishment.
Maybe you can call this deprivation of love but I just cannot stop myself from seeing life from this angle. When I look back at my life for the past 40 years, all I can see are turbulence, loss and uncertainties.
Now, almost every day, when I open my eyes in the morning, I feel the dreadfulness and heaviness. In other words, I do not know how to enjoy life anymore. There is no bed of roses, green grass and rainbow along my path. To me, life is as hard as the rocks in the garden.
Lavender

Don’t give up on life just yet. Up till now, you have managed your pain and grief better than most. You will be doing yourself a great injustice if you turn your back on love, faith and hope now.
Of course, it’s tough being alone and lonely. When others around you seem to be sharing rich, fulfilled lives, you have no one. Despite your earlier strength and determination, you seem to have lost your zest and drive. Opening your eyes in the morning feels a curse, and tomorrow is another day to dread.
You must snap out of your present state of mind or you will drag yourself down. Try to focus on something to give yourself a reason to live. Many people have turned to charity, acting, hobbies or adoption. Keeping busy with a purpose is important so that you do not feel empty and lost.
Be positive and do not allow dark thoughts to cloud your days and nights. Telling yourself that there is nothing to look forward to, that life is hard and bleak, will not help you to attain happiness and sustain hope. You can talk yourself into depression and kill the bright, strong woman who dared challenge grief.
Your parents and husband would not have wished this sadness and hopelessness for you. They would have wanted you to continue life as if they were here to guide you, love and help you. Love never dies. Think of loved ones and do not disappoint them.

Under pressure

I AM an Indonesian and have been here in Malaysia for seven years. I work in a small company, helping other staff do their work.
I am quite free to go out as I want, as long as I have no work to do in the office or house.
But the problem is, my boss does not trust me at all. He thinks I really do not know anything about office work, and every time I make a mistake, he will keep harping on it.
I feel very pressured, and I do not know what to do. I have to work as I have a 10-year-old son and an aged mother to support. I’m the only breadwinner in the family, with no one else to support me. My husband left me when my son just two years old, leaving us nothing.
Thelma, I just need some one to comfort me. I have no one here to confide to. I just cry whenever I feel bad, pressured or get a scolding from my boss.
I’ve only been with this present company for five months. At my previous place of work (where I was for six years), my boss was very good, but the only thing was I didn’t have any freedom as I was required to work seven days a week.
My working place now is very tense, especially when the boss is around. To change to another job is difficult because of my work permit. What can I do?
Mariah

Sorry but you can’t always have it all. You had a very good boss for six years but you wanted freedom. Now that you have a job that offers you time off, you feel pressured by the expectations of your employer.
However, it’s a decision you made and if you are now stuck with it out of necessity, try your best to make it good. Instead of feeling bad and breaking down in tears, show your boss that you are willing to learn to correct mistakes made. Understand the reasons for the tension around the office but do not get involved. Others could leave but your permit does not offer the same opportunity.
All employers should appreciate hardworking staff who takes initiative. If you can do more than expected, he would not be able to pick on you. Do not feel sorry for yourself because many of us need to work, for whatever reasons. Be happier and more cheerful as misery will affect your work performance. It’s easier to make mistakes when you are worried and tense.
Always be positive and life will not seem so bleak. You had a bad marriage but you are still young. Perhaps love will find you again. You have a son and mother to work hard for. Think of better times when you have made enough money to share a life with them. Make friends, share some of your problems and relax after work. You can make life better for yourself if you try.

Blinded by love

I’M 29 years old, and a foreign worker here in Malaysia. I’m married, and my husband is back home taking care of my son. I come from a very poor family, which is why I’m slogging it out in a foreign country – to earn enough money so that my child will not suffer the same fate.
Before I left my country two years ago, I repeatedly reminded my husband that I was going to work abroad for our future together. “Take care of our son while I’m far away. This is for you and for our children someday, for I love you so much.”
But it appears that those words do not mean anything to him. I send money home monthly, but all I’m hearing are negative things about him – being boastful, spending money indiscriminately.
I was lonely and frustrated. Then I met a guy. At first, I didn’t want a relationship as he reminded me too much of my husband, and I have a family after all. But he persisted, telling me he was single. We started exchanging SMS-es. Each SMS was a seed falling on fertile ground, and romance blossomed. Every time I took time off work, we checked into a hotel room.
Three months later, he confessed that he is 20 years my senior, married with four children, and his wife is bedridden. I wanted to kill myself at that time as I didn’t want to be anyone’s mistress. My conscience was strangling me.
But he said he lied to me because he wanted me to like him. He says that he loves me.
I accept that, and I forgive him, but I’m drowning.
I know my actions are sinful. But I really love him, and I can only wait until time separates us for this to end.
For the people who are hurt by our actions, I would like to take this opportunity to ask for forgiveness. I’m only human.
But I feel like a blind person, with no light at the end of the tunnel. Please help me find the light.
Mulan

You are a lonely woman seeking love and solace because your husband has spent your money and betrayed your trust. Now, you are with a man you believe you love. But he is a liar, a married man with a wife and children. Do you really want to continue an affair that will likely only bring you heartache and pain?
You have left your husband, children and loved ones to work for a better life. Should your employer discover your affair, would they not send you back? What would your husband do then? Could he forgive you for your infidelity? Be warned that you may lose everything that you are working so hard to keep.
You can pray for forgiveness but you must not hide from truth and reality. You know that you are being used for a man’s sexual pleasure and yet you cannot deny him or yourself. You blame your husband but you can plan better and send your money to someone you can trust.
Do not try to make excuses for your behaviour. You are a woman with needs. It’s all too easy to succumb to attention and flattery when you are sad and lonely. But if you have the strength and will, you can forget this married man and concentrate on the purpose you are here in Malaysia.
Save your money for your children and your future. Resolve the issues with your husband when you are back home. Do not continue the affair as stolen love usually spells doom.