Lack of love and funds

FOUR years ago, I fell in love with S. I didn’t tell my family because I knew they wouldn’t accept a girl-girl relationship. I feel guilty about this. S’s family doesn’t know either.
We spend hours communicating via the Net and cell phone. Sometimes we meet after school. I feel very self-conscious whenever I’m with her.
I’ve seen S with another girl, T. Whenever I see them, I feel jealous and angry. It is obvious that T likes S. I want to tell S how I feel, but I don’t dare to because she has her own friends.
I should trust S and have confidence in her because she always tells me how much she loves me. I know she means it. Besides, I have other problems.
My father is working in another country but he doesn’t send us any money. Before he left, we even had to pay for his insurance and visa. My mother works, but doesn’t earn much.
My mother, brother and I live with my uncle and aunt. All the household bills and expenses are borne by my mother. She cannot manage sometimes, but doesn’t tell anyone.
My brother is still studying and needs money. I keep asking him to get a part-time job, but he doesn’t want to. I want to work part-time, but my mother won’t allow it – she says the outside world is very dangerous. How can I help solve our financial problems?
Double

YOU share a sweet, innocent love with S but it may not be your sexual inclination. You hate T because you are probably afraid of losing S. With all your family problems, you need a good friend to bring some joy to your life.
Do not be embroiled in jealousy and hatred. Harbouring such anger and rage is destructive. Be more relaxed about your friendship with S so that you need not feel nervous and guilty about having chats and spending time together. Get to know T so that you could share the friendship, instead of feeling left out and unwanted.
You should also not over-burden yourself with the problems at home. Unless you know the truth about your father’s situation, you should not be accusing him of being irresponsible. Perhaps he has problems that only your mother knows about. Right now, your mother probably manages to cope with the family’s finances. Let the adults deal with the issues, if any.
Accept your mother’s decision if she does not want you or your brother to work part-time. Concentrate on your studies, help with household chores to lighten her work load and responsibilities. Support her and cheer her up when she feels lonely. It’s tough being a single parent.
Don’t complicate your life with conjecture and too many worries. Take charge of your goals and focus on things you can do. Succeed in your studies and career and make your mother proud. This would be your best gift to her. Give yourself time to establish love and relationships. Know yourself better and you will find the right love in life.

Tangled mess

I AM over 40 and have two children and a working wife. We were happy before moving into our new condominium in 2001. Since then, life has become a mess and my wife and I quarrel every day, over minor issues. She always beats me but I can’t lay hands on a woman.
I used to have lots of friends, but not any more. After work every day, I stay home and can’t go anywhere because my wife still suspects that I’m having an affair with a younger girl.
Soon after our problems began, I got to know a girl young enough to be my daughter via the chatroom. We chatted occasionally, then lost touch. I met her online again in 2004 and things started from there.
I lied to her about my age and marital status. Eventually, we met in her hometown and clicked instantly. I felt comfortable with her and our love grew. We started meeting every month and had intimate moments, but I never made love to her because I knew she had no future with me.
In the last few years, I have had to face financials problems. So when my company offered the Voluntary Separation Scheme, I took it and got about RM100,000. I wanted to start a business with a friend, but he cheated me of RM40,000 and my plans fell through.
To overcome the loss, I started betting on horses and football matches. I lost all my money and had to borrow from friends and family. I got a job early this year but still cannot repay all my debts.
Recently, I had a big fight with my wife. Every time she beats me, I will ask for a divorce. But I’ve always stayed because of my children.
My girlfriend does not know about my financial problems. Our relationship is strained because I cannot be with her when she needs me. I have told her she is free to look for another guy – I would never stop her.
Now, a guy has confessed that he likes her and she has accepted him. I gave her my blessings even though I felt so hurt. I feel there’s no point in living any more as I can’t handle the pressure and problems. I don’t know when I will break down and do something silly.
Messy Life

DEATH is a coward’s way out. True, it’s easy to think of killing yourself to end all your problems. But suicide would leave a bigger mess for your wife and children to live with.
You are a good person and it is unfor-tunate that things took such so many bad turns. However, had you been stronger and tried dealing with the problems instead of seeking escape, you would not be stuck with debts and heartache. Forget your girlfriend and wish her well as she deserves a man who is free to love and marry her.
With your new job and the opportunity to start again, list down your problems and think of ways to resolve them. Plan a payment schedule to settle your debts. Ask yourself what had gone wrong in your marriage for you were happy before you moved. Your problems seem to have started since moving into the condo. What could be causing so much friction and tension between you and your wife? Should you move out and try a different environment?
Do not just think of divorce. Talk to your wife and try to patch up your marriage. You both love the children and have strong reasons to make the relationship work. If your wife has been jealous and suspicious, she obviously cares about you more than you believe. Truth is, you did stray. Now, you must convince your wife that you love her and want to make things better for her and the family.
Stop running away from problems. Be strong for yourself and loved ones. Deal with the issues with hope and determination. Life will be brighter and better when you can take pride in yourself again.

Keep the memories but move on

I AM a foreigner and have been working in Malaysia for seven years. I have three children. Recently, I separated from my husband and was lonely and frustrated.
In January, I got to know a guy through the Net. We met up in April. He is a very busy businessman. Just as we were building up a good relationship, he was notified by his company that he had to work in another country.
He said he liked me a lot but could not commit to a long-distance relationship. He has been down that path before and was hurt, so he is scared to do it again. I felt sad and disappointed when I heard that.
He said we could still be friends and he would send me SMS messages when he had the time. I love him so much because he respects me as a woman and accepts me for what I am. What should I do?
Hopeless

YOU can continue to wait for his SMS messages, think about him all the time and hope that he will come back to you eventually. Or you could keep the sweet memories, pull yourself together and get back to living.
Be careful that you do not get hurt too often in your current state of mind. Being lonely and frustrated, you are emotionally vulnerable and fragile. You need so much for someone to care about you, and offer you love and attention. Cruising the Internet makes you easy prey. Be warned that some men will take advantage of a woman like you.
When you are sad and alone, think of loved ones and your three children. Give yourself a purpose in life, apart from seeking love and passion. Always remind yourself why you are working here, so far away from family and friends. If the days seem empty and hard to bear, talk to friends and seek their support. Never feel that you have no one in the world you can turn to.
Try not to be in a hurry for love. Be more relaxed and perhaps, your love will not feel so rushed for commitment. Take it easy and life will feel less intense and lonely.

Missing the message

IS technology good for us? Or are people misusing the cell phone, instant chat systems, or even e-mail?
I am in my late 40s. Two months ago, I began to notice changes in my wife, who is able to go to the gym regularly because she works from home. After her workouts, she will sit by her laptop and behave “strangely” – like giggling and smiling as she types messages.
Whenever I ask what is so funny, she just brushes me aside. She even takes her cell phone to the bathroom and sends a lot of SMS messages from there.
One evening I checked her laptop and found MSN messages from a married guy. They have been swapping pictures and making bitchy remarks about their spouses to each other. There were even suggestions to meet up.
I checked her cell phone and found that they have been exchanging SMS messages too. Is this what we call “privacy” and “own space” in a marriage? How do I tell her that I don’t want a gatal wife?
I find that technology is contributing to sex crime and affecting marriages. Tell me: Is writing e-mails, sending SMS messages and chatting with the opposite sex a crime?
Unhappy Khoo

DON’T blame technology as we have the choice to use or abuse what we have. Drugs and cigarettes kill but so many of us refuse to give up them up.
You feel it’s a crime that your wife is writing e-mails and sending messages to a man. You suspect an affair, but you can’t speak your mind. She has been shutting you out and it is difficult to understand her need to share her thoughts and secret jokes with someone else. So you hit out at technology and name it the culprit. Perhaps you are afraid that the root cause stems from failure in your marriage.
Do not fear the truth or you will never find the solution. If you choose to believe that your wife is “gatal” and is seeking love and attention elsewhere, your marriage will break down. Perhaps she has just found a guy friend to share things with. The touch of secrecy and the daily communication with someone who seems to understand is thrilling and fun when life seems empty, boring and predictable.
Instead of finding fault, ask if you can spice up your relationship with your wife. Fuming and feeling agitated will not get her back into your arms. Are you game to SMS and e-mail her, or date and woo her all over again? Would you dare send her naughty messages and make her laugh?
Talk to your wife. Be honest but do not accuse. Let her know your hurt when she shuts you out. Tell her that you love her and are afraid of losing her to her e-mail buddy. She, too, must not take you for granted. It is not right that she spends too much time chatting with another, or sends messages in the toilet because it all smacks of an emotional affair.

It’s no, so let go

I DON’T understand why my heart still aches as she rejected me half a year ago. I was so confident that she would accept me, based on her reactions and the feedback she gave about girl-girl relationships.
I admit that she didn’t give me a clear answer when I asked. She said we could only be friends. I was so sure that I loved her, but when she asked me, “What do you want to do?”, I felt blur. I have goals to achieve and a clear vision of my future. She is a very bright student and we seem perfect for each other.
But will our parents be devastated if we are together? Will the community discriminate against us? All kinds of questions go through my mind. I just know I’m happy holding her hands, watching movies with her, and telling her my goals. I want to share everything with her and let her be part of my life.
She is planning to go to Australia to pursue her studies. I’m happy for her but sad to let her go. Should I tell her I still love her?
Desperate

SORRY, but you have to take “No” for an answer. Your friend never gave you any hope for a relationship but you cannot seem to let her go.
Your friend cares about you but she is not able to offer more than friendship. You could tell her about your love for her over and over again, but your intensity might drive her further away from you. You should try to understand her feelings and not think only of your own.
It’s true that not everyone can accept a homosexual relationship. Parents usually react in shock and disbelief. Some people frown and look the other way; they pretend indifference, but think that gays are freaks.
However, society is more accepting of homosexuality now. Many gay partners are happier and more relaxed about open relationships. Some parents even welcome such partners as their in-laws.
Stop thinking and worrying too much about your sexual orientation. It is pointless creating problems for yourself until you have to deal with reality. Now, just accept your friend’s decision and wish her well in her studies. You should mix around and understand your own needs and feelings. Date a few guys and gals to know the difference.
Never pressure yourself or others. Let love happen naturally and you will be a happier person.

Innocent victim

I DIVORCED my wife in 2004, when I was 32, because she wanted to control my life, was stubborn and demanding, and would only listen to a third party that had caused our marriage to break down.
My wife ran away from my house four years ago, taking our daughter with her. At that time, I was living with my mother and she said she would only return if I got mum out.
My daughter is now four. The court gave custody to my ex and I was allowed three days of access on weekends. The first time I went to get my child at the given address, the house-owner (the third party) said my ex hadn’t said anything about handing over my child. I saw my kid playing behind the house and called to her. She ran towards me but the owner’s wife grabbed her while his son stopped me in my tracks.
In her affidavit, my ex claimed that I am an irresponsible father because I have not visited my daughter. Subsequently, she was supposed to turn up for a hearing, but didn’t. A warrant of arrest was issued but I really don’t know where my ex is now.
No doubt, it will be difficult to get my daughter back. But my belief that, by the grace of God, I will see again, keeps me going.
I wonder whether she has forgotten me, since we haven’t met in four years. I hope the court can review the monthly maintenance of RM600 that I’m required to pay my ex and child – I find it not worth giving that.
After what I’ve been through, I’m thinking of not marrying again. I would like to advise couples: Don’t ever let a third party get involved in whatever you do.
Missing my daughter

WHERE do you send the monthly cheques? If your ex has disappeared with your child, how does she access the money? There must be ways to trace a woman who is dependent on you to support her child.
You have suffered an acrimonious divorce. Things can only get worse with the issue of a warrant of arrest. But you should not be thinking only of yourself and your loss, and your ex’s faults. If you love your child, think of her having to cope with the tug-of-war between her parents. And she is not even worth RM600 of child support a month?
Your ex is wrong to keep your child away from you, but she cannot be having a good time. Running from you and the law must be extremely stressful and punishing.
Frankly, you should stop the relentless pursuit and try to resolve the problems with your ex amicably. Do this for your daughter, who needs a happy home, and should not be on the run from her father. Be civil when you are all together because the past must be put to rest. You have divorced her mother, but the child should not have to suffer the consequences.
Marry again and have children of your own. A bad marriage does not spell doom for your future relationships. You are in your prime and should be able to share your life with a soft, understanding woman. But take care to listen to a woman’s needs or there will be problems should you have to choose between mother and wife again.