Crawl back into her heart

I HAD an affair with a married colleague and I think my wife has found out. I was planning on ending the relationship.
The problem is, my wife does not seem to mind. I would like to spice up our life – I still love her very much. But she does not seem interested at all; she has hinted that while I'm doing things elsewhere, she could be doing the same too!
If I told my wife everything, she might want to leave me. But if we don’t go through all those problems, I don’t think we can get back to where we were before. And if she were to leave me, I would be devastated. What should I do?
In Deep Trouble

END the relationship and get on with spicing up your marriage. Do not believe that your wife does not mind the affair. At this moment, she is hurt, angry and feeling vengeful about your betrayal.
Showing her disinterest and disdain, and hinting that she could easily have an affair, too, is the retaliation of a woman in pain. If you accept her seeming indifference without a fight, then your marriage is over. Right now, she wants to know that you love her enough to leave the other woman. She needs to hear that you need her most and that you cannot live without her.
Do not act the coward when your marriage is on the brink. Prove your love. Never leave your wife with suspicions that you're still carrying on the affair. Phone her when you're apart. Take her for a romantic holiday. Spoil her, pamper her and ravish her with love, passion and all your attention.
If your wife should appear cold and unmoved, give her time to heal. You were the culprit and you need to earn her forgiveness. However, never confess the gory details of your affair. Get on with your marriage and cleanse her wounds with love and patience.

Talk to me, mum

I LOST my 61-year-old dad suddenly, recently. As the eldest of four children, I used to think that he was biased against me – he gave all he had to my siblings. So I always told him that he hated me. Sometimes, I felt so angry I’d say, “I will not cry if dad dies.”
I was VERY WRONG. Seeing him helpless and gasping for breath in the hospital, my heart hurt. I wished I could hug him and tell him, “Dad, I don’t hate you any more. Please forgive me. I love you very much.”
But he left before I could say sorry and now I have to live with my guilt and pain until I die.
When my husband died six years ago, leaving me with two daughters (now aged seven and nine), I moved back home. I’m 37 and have muscular dystrophy.
Dad had set up a small stall for me, selling top-up coupons at a food mall. When he died, mum used the remaining money for his funeral expenses. She wanted me to close my stall and stay home.
But I couldn’t because I had unsettled debts with Ah Longs. I’d borrowed money to buy hand phone accessories to sell because I didn’t have any savings.
Mum gave me lots of pressure. She told relatives and friends not to help me and began treating me like I was “invisible”. Desperate, I stole her jewellery to sell. When she found out, she hit me with dad’s tongkat and chased me out of the house.
I know mum was very hurt and angry but I had no choice as I had to safeguard my business. I cannot afford to lose my stall because it’s all I have. No one will employ me and I don’t want to depend on other people in the future.
I’ve tried explaining that to mum but she won’t listen or help me. Now that I’ve returned home, she treats me like a stranger. I miss the jokes and petty arguments we used to have. She has even padlocked her room, for fear that I will steal her things again.
I’m slowly paying off my debts but I don’t earn enough to move out. I’ve lost dad and I don’t want to lose mum too. She was the one who looked after my girls, cooking and cleaning for all of us.
I know I’ve done wrong and I want to tell her I’m sorry and how much I love her. I want to be independent, stable and happy. But I also want my mum back.Girlie

YOUR love is so strong and sincere, your father must have known before he died. He would not want you to live with guilt and regret for the rest of your life.
For so many years, you felt like the unloved child. Your life has been a series of unfortunate events. Now, you are a widow with two young children, struggling with a disease, and no money.
Love and the support of loved ones are most important to you. So do not continue to bottle up your hurt and pain. Kneel and beg your mother for her forgiveness if you have to. Let out all the love and feelings in you, even though she must have forgiven you the day she allowed you back into her house.
You are not a bad daughter, just a rough and strong character who wants so strongly to keep your pride and self-respect. You stole out of desperation and fear of a future without money and assistance. However, you should have known better than to borrow from loan sharks. Haven’t you read about how families are ruined and torn apart when they fail to pay back their loans?
Try talking to your mother again. Do not get angry or emotional. Just explain the reasons for your need to keep working. It is commendable that you want to work to take care of your children instead of waiting for handouts. However, if you are limited by your physical disability, do not be too proud to accept assistance.
Be proud of the person that you are. You have made some mistakes but your heart is not bitter or vindictive. Be at peace with yourself and you will know love.

Held ransom

I AM married and in my early 40s. My husband is very loving and we had a wonderful, happy life until he was retrenched a couple of years back. After being jobless for two years, he was offered a job with a modest salary and the promise of a promotion.
The owner of my husband’s new company is in his late 50s. We met once at an office function; he kept looking at me but I didn’t take it seriously.
Soon after that, my husband said his boss would be coming to our house for dinner, and asked me to cook something special. I had a bad feeling about this but kept quiet. The boss came and his eyes were all over me the whole evening.
Suddenly, my husband said the boss wanted him to go to the office to pick up some documents. I was reluctant to be left alone with our guest, but there was no choice.
After my husband left, his boss told me that he’d deliberately sent him away because he wanted to be alone with me. He said I looked good and that he wanted to sleep with me.
When I refused, he threatened to sack my husband and pointed out the trouble we would face. Finally, I gave in. He finished and left before my husband came back.
Should I tell my husband what happened? I feel so guilty.
Help Me

SEX without consent is rape. You were forced to have sex under threat. The fear of your husband losing his job was like a knife at your throat. Know that you are a victim of rape so do not feel guilty and afraid.
You must tell your husband the truth for this can happen again. The employer seems very bold and blatant in his attraction for you; he watches and eyes you even in the presence of your husband. Setting up an encounter in your own house, sending your husband out and then leaving after sex, without looking at the documents, seem like very deliberate and daring moves.
Lodge a report against this animal. You don’t want to encourage him to attack another woman who is similarly in need and desperate. And surely, your husband would not want you to continue offering your body to secure his job. A woman should never be subject to such abuse and victimisation.

Pressured to conform

I AM 28 and facing problems finding a job. I have a degree but my field of study does not match the demands of the job market.
All my friends have found stable jobs and are doing well. Some are even married, with kids, cars and a house. I’m keen on biological research and wish to continue studying till I get my PhD. But my parents keep comparing me with the lesser-qualified children of relatives who have family, money and house. Mum says, “What’s the use of studying and not being able to find a job?”
I have tried explaining that scientific knowledge cannot be measured in the same way but they don’t understand. Mum thinks it will be a waste of money to send me for further studies. I feel pressured. I’m ashamed whenever people ask about my present situation. I just ignore them but my parents say I’m being rude. Why do they want to know when they don’t even support me?
Depressed

NEVER be ashamed of your love and passion for knowledge. There is more wealth in happiness and contentment than slaving at a job you have no interest in.
Take pride in your decision and you will not feel pressure or regret. Your mother’s complaints could be due to concern for your future. Parents usually worry that their children cannot earn a decent earning. Sometimes, it’s because they want to be able to brag to friends, neighbours and relatives that their child is brilliant, earns good money and can give them a comfortable life.
However, it is normal to have your own needs and wants. The tinge of envy you feel for friends with family, car and house shows that you are ready for something more than your studies. You realise that you need a job and feel some frustration that there is little demand for your field of study.
Do not hit out at others when you are under pressure. While it is annoying to have to deal with busybodies, just smile and ignore their unwanted attention. There is no need to be rude and sullen as this reflects badly on your character and personality.
Instead of feeling frustrated and sorry for yourself, check out career opportunities locally and abroad. Many young adults have managed to start up new businesses based on their expertise and special knowledge. Fast-changing technology offers many more opportunities for people like you.
While you may not yearn for a lot of money, you do need to survive on your own. It’s not right to depend on your aging parents for financial support for too long. Be confident and do not be afraid to take charge of your life and future. Be more relaxed when it comes to talk and gossip and you will not feel so bowed by hopes and expectations.

Don’t rush love

I AM a simple girl, aged 18. I’ve known my discipline teacher, G, for five years. Everyone says he’s a playboy and many girls in my school are crazy about him.
In one year, he taught my class. Initially, I hated him because he always found fault with me. Then, all of a sudden, I found myself falling in love with him. I wanted to meet him more often, so I used study problems as an excuse. Sometimes we conversed, but that was it. I still have feelings for him.
Recently, my uncle, H, came to stay with my family for the holidays. Suddenly, I noticed that H was extremely handsome. I like him very much as he is very different from my hot-headed father. The more I got to know H, the more I liked him.
Every time I see G, my heart beats so fast that I think the world can hear it. The same with H. G is 31 years old and H, 49.
I will not go for G because he’s from another community. I can’t go for H because he’s my uncle and married, too. They will always be a part of me, even though it might only be infatuation. I keep thinking about them.
Confused

SURE, it’s only infatuation. You will forget them soon enough when you have a boyfriend of your own. Right now, you are very aware of the opposite sex and feel intensely attracted to guys around you. The good thing is you seem clear-headed and know that G and H are not right for you. Be careful that you do not lose your heart to the wrong fellow. At 18, you’re emotionally charged and physically vulnerable. Almost every man you meet seems exciting and attractive. You feel lost and confused, your mind constantly jumbled with memories and images of guys whom you hardly know. Should one of them show interest in you, you could all too easily get into a relationship.
It’s great to fall in love, but you’re not ready for a serious relationship now. Mix around, know a few fellows and understand your own heart and mind. You can think about them and keep the sweetest memories. But know that quickened heartbeats and emotional chaos do not spell love.