Pride versus being practical

WE have been married for over 30 years. When our joint business failed, my wife had to work for her eldest brother in a retail outlet. Prior to that, we lived 200km away from her family. Now we are in the same town as my in-laws – mother and siblings.
Besides working at the retail outlet, my wife has to help her brother entertain his clients under a wholesale operation. This means lots of late nights. She also has to run errands for her family because her car belongs to her brother's company.
My wife leaves the house very early and returns very late to sleep. I have tried persuading her to switch jobs as I feel she is being exploited. But as the eldest, she feels it is her duty to help
every member of her family.
After two years of cajoling, would it be foolish to take up her offer of a separation? Or should I raise the matter of her leaving the company, yet again? We are quite elderly – our youngest child is 17.
Stressed Out

ARE you upset that your wife has to work so hard and late, or do you resent her having to spend so much time on her family? You feel that she is being exploited, but perhaps she is simply doing her best for you and the children.
Although you mean well and feel that your wife will be better off doing something else, it's unfair to put pressure on her. At her age, what are her chances of getting a job she can be comfortable with? She must be happy working with
her family, earning a steady income and getting a company car. If she felt like you do, that she is doing more than she should, surely she would decide to leave.
Try to understand and support her instead of pushing her to the point of separation. At a time when you both should be planning for retirement and time for yourselves, she has to work, run family errands and be grateful for the job.
She must feel tired and worn out. Does she have a choice? Can the family manage without her income?
Do not allow pride to ruin your marriage. Perhaps you can consider driving your mother-in-law around and taking on some of your wife’s errands. Or get a job so that she can take a break from work. Let her know that you love and care about her. Be there for her, not nag and complain whenever you see her.
Talk to your wife and understand how she feels. Work out the problems together instead of trying to shift the blame. Agreeing to a separation is a selfish, irresponsible way out. As the man in the family, take on the challenge of taking care of your household.
Be proud that you can manage regardless of hard times, as long as you are happy together.

Stop dreaming

I BROKE off with my first love after one-and-a-half years. He said his feelings for me had faded and I had taken advantage of him.
Lately, I’ve been having dreams about him. They bring back memories that haunt me. Is God testing my patience or is He trying to tell me that we’ll be together again? If we do, I fear he will leave me again.
Desperately Seeking Help

YOU are still dreaming. The guy left and has not kept in touch. Why do you think he's about to get back into your life?
He told you the truth – he stopped loving and caring about you. That you had taken advantage of him was probably a crummy excuse to make himself seem less of a jerk.
Dreams are subconscious feelings. You hope that he still loves you. You want to believe that God is giving you a sign.
Mind your good sense and stop dreaming. He’s not coming back so you won’t have to suffer a broken heart all over again. Accept this and the dreams will end.
Concentrate on your studies and plan for your future. Do not pine for love that can never be yours. You will heal if you set your mind to it.

Used and abused by jerk

I USED to be an achiever, both academically and socially. Then I met J, 38, at my workplace when I was 23. It was not instant attraction but he pursued me till I fell hopelessly in love and lost my virginity to him.
Things were great until I found out that he was a divorcee with three kids, living elsewhere. I was devastated because my principle was never to get involved with a married man.
I stayed on in the relationship and became pregnant. But J convinced me to abort the baby because he’d just started his own business. I did, then discovered that he was philandering. We quarrelled and I left, pregnant again. But I miscarried.
Then I met Bob, who knew about my past but still loved me. We married, had two children and were happy for six years. But my heart was with J; finally, Bob and I separated two years ago.
As fate would have it, I met J again after 13 years. He’s remarried and has another three young children, but is not happy with his wife. He said he’d never stopped loving me, and promised to take care of me and my kids.
I realised I still loved J and gave in to his requests to meet. He kept saying he wanted me to have his baby. When I got pregnant and told him, J was extremely happy. But soon, whenever I asked to meet him, he’d been busy or needed to spend time with his family. Then I found out he’d been seeing another woman.
Now, J just wants to be friends. Again, he’s asked me to abort our baby. When I told him I’m not a murderer, he said he could not carry on with our relationship. I went berserk and phoned his wife to tell her about my pregnancy. Since then, I’ve not had any contact with J.
Part of me wants the baby because it was conceived in love and I can provide for it. But why do I want the kid of someone heartless and mean? My love for J is slowly turning into deep hatred.
Lost in Love

IT has taken you too many years to see J for the heartless, selfish jerk that he is. This man used your body, cheated on you and left you without thinking twice. He has no qualms about asking you to abort his own flesh and blood. He has no love for anyone but himself.
Shake yourself up and know him for the monster that he truly is. Do not even bother to hate him as such emotions are wasteful, negative and a drain on you. You have left a good, wonderful husband for this cheating, philandering evil soul and it’s time you rid yourself of him forever.
The baby in you is sweet and innocent. He does not deserve to die because of his irresponsible father. At 38, you’re not too old to have a baby. Financially, you’re capable of being a single parent. But think carefully before you act. Do not keep repeating your mistakes when you can see, clearly now, how much of your life you have given away for nothing.
Save your love for your children if you cannot find the right man to share your life with. Do not harp on the past or you will end up bitter and cold. And stop thinking that you’re a fool for loving someone like J. Love is sometimes irrational and impulsive. Accept that this relationship is finally over for good and get on with living.
Do not be too proud to ask for help and support. Perhaps your ex-husband will still lend you a shoulder to cry on. Your children need their father, too, so try to establish a friendly, amicable relationship with him, so as to share the joys and burdens of raising your kids.
Give yourself time to cleanse the pain and hurt. Concentrate on work and make plans for your children. Be focused, strong and positive. Never allow a heartless man to hurt you so badly that you forget there is so much to live for.

Unlikely godfather

I’M 23 and I work in a club, where I always treat one customer like a “godfather”. He has been going to the club long before I was employed and treats me like his own daughter.
Recently, I’ve begun to have feelings for him. But he’s married and doesn’t know how I feel. When I told all this to my colleague, she was shocked. She told me not to confess because he is a nice man and has a happy family.
I feel sad because he was there for me when I had problems with the club. I have had dreams in which I kissed him. I’ve tried to let go of this forbidden love but it hurts whenever I think about him.
He has promised me to take me for a holiday next month and I’m worried that I’ll confess my feelings for him when we’re alone. I don’t want him to betray his wife and kids.
Going-to-be-Wu-Lei-Jing

IT sounds like your godfather is not exactly fatherly. Taking you on a trip smacks of some ulterior motive and it’s unlikely that he will spend his money for nothing more than a day with you. Unless he is incapable of sex, my bet is that he will make a move.
Sorry to be so sceptical about this man’s intentions, but godfathers who visit nightclubs and take young women on trips are rare innocents. You are sweet and trusting because he seems kind and understanding. To be fair, he probably hasn’t proven himself to be a wolf that’s ready to bite! But be warned that you may be in for disillusion and disappointment.
Right now, you are attracted to this kindly older man. It could be that you haven’t met anyone who has shown you such care, concern and respect. He’s nice and listens to your problems. When you’re sad, he helps dry your tears. Your heart is moved by his protective nature and you feel safe and secure with him.
Perhaps he already senses your interest in him. A woman sends out the strongest signals when her heart is moved. And how many men can resist a young, attractive and desirable woman who dreams and fantasises about him?
But don’t kid yourself. It’s unlikely that he will give up his family for you. If you want him, you will be able to find all the right excuses to be with him. While you truly believe that you do not want to destroy his marriage and cause pain and grief to his family, your heart will tempt you to be selfish and demanding. You will hate his time away from you, resent his love for his wife and children. It’s hard to be magnanimous when you have to share your man.
Think carefully before you go on this trip. It’s not the confession but the intentions that you both harbour. If you fall in love, you may be in for a long heartbreak. Remember, he’s married and not available.

Time to let him be

I’M in my early 30s. A few years back, I had a boyfriend, V. We were perfect for each other. But after almost two years, V told his parents about his sexuality. They were furious and forced him to stop seeing me.
We were both badly hurt by this and it took me over a year to get over my depression. I started dating again, both men and women, in the hope that I could be a heterosexual. But all I’ve had is disappointment.
This past week I’ve been having dreams about V. We have not spoken to each other since we separated, three years ago this weekend. I do see him driving home occasionally as we live near each other and I’m sure he sees me, too. I know he is not married and I’m sure he is unhappy as well.
I still have feelings for him. I don’t know if we can be partners again, but I wish we could be friends.
I don’t know if V is scared to talk to me because he hurt me when he left. Maybe he thinks I am angry with him for that. Truth is,
I love him despite what happened.
Why am I having all these dreams about him now? Should I take the initiative to contact him again? Should I fight for V and get him to realise that I still love him, and that his parents were wrong?
Desperately Seeking Val

YOU think about him and dream of him because you are lonely. You have been disappointed in your other relationships. You wish so much for a love of your life, just like before.
Sadly, the relationship has been over for three years. Although he is still single and seemingly unhappy, he remains distant and elusive. You want to believe that he still cares but is afraid to come close. You hope to fight for his love and change his mind. You want to pursue your dreams and reopen this painful yet memorable chapter of your past.
But don’t hope too much because you do not know his heart or thoughts. His decision to break up could not have been easy. He must have done much soul-searching before sacrificing this relationship with you. Homosexuality is never a smooth path for most. Parents, friends, relatives and society find it difficult to accept that two guys can fall in love, make love and live together as partners.
Many good sons and filial daughters have given up gay relationships out of respect and love for their parents. They try so hard to be straight and normal. In the process, they retreat from living and become miserable and angry. Rage mocks them for being different.
You could not find love and happiness when you tried to be heterosexual. How difficult it must have been for you to suppress your feelings and needs. V, too, must have found life unfulfilling and repressive when he had to give you up. But it was his choice, his decision. You have to respect this and get on with your own life.

I ‘killed’ my wife

I CAUSED my wife’s death, indirectly – and she wasn’t even 40. We had been married for over 10 years and had a son. She died in the operating theatre and I wasn’t even aware of the operation.
Two years ago I had an emotional infidelity with B, my colleague A’s wife from China. They were having problems because he was always at work. Initially, I gave B advice. Then we started going out. She would call at night, when A was working, and we’d confide in each other.
I never slept with her, and never intended to, although we held hands, hugged and kissed. She said she would never betray her husband by having sex with me.
I worked in Singapore but my wife was based in Kuala Lumpur. She came from a refined background while my family is like a triad organisation. When we first met as clerks, she had many suitors, but she chose to be with me. When her family migrated to Canada, she stayed behind with her grandmother and an aunt.
When I was retrenched in 1998, my wife held three jobs to get us through our financial crisis. That was the year I left for Singapore. Initially, I came home twice monthly. Then the tips became infrequent and the phone calls shorter because I preferred being with B.
I used to confide in my smart wife, who understood my loneliness and encouraged me to go out, but reminded me about my limit. It wasn’t difficult for her to find out about B. I told her I would end my emotional infidelity, but by then, I was addicted to B. It was as if a spell had befallen me.
We started quarrelling and I blamed my wife for being suspicious and not trusting me. Everything she did seemed wrong, including the way she raised our son, who is smart and disciplined. When I suggested divorce, she cut her wrist in front of me and I had to take her to the hospital. Our relationship got from bad to worse.
My wife’s health suffered and she fell into a depression. But she kept our marital problems from her family. She developed hypertension, which led to a heart attack, thus the surgery. Her family flew home but couldn’t contact me as I had switched off my cell phone.
My son finally got me through the office. When I arrived at the crematorium, I did not get to see my wife one last time. She had left instructions to donate her organs if she were to die, and had made her family promise not to be angry with me.
She also left me a letter asking me to forget about her and get on with life. She thanked me for giving her a beautiful son and begged that her parents be allowed to take him to Canada. She also left me a substantial sum from her insurance – to settle my debts.
I know my in-laws love my kid and he will be in good hands. But he is the only reminder I have of my wife. I don’t know if he blames me for his mum’s death. He did not even shed a tear throughout the funeral. I want to get him something before he leaves, but he says even the most expensive gift wouldn’t bring his mum back. He asked me to let go of him and be happy with my new freedom.
It breaks my soul knowing that I have made a big mistake. I can’t eat, sleep or work and life no longer has any meaning. I had hoped to make amends to my son. He says he does not hate me, but wants to start a new life with his mum’s family and forget about his unhappiness here. He says he will continue to do well in his studies and get on with his life – just as his mum would have liked him to do.
I asked him to spend some time with me before leaving but he turned that down. I feel so helpless.
Useless Guy

YOU must give your son the time and space he needs to heal. His grief runs very deep, so the tears cannot flow. He is hurt and in shock. He does not hate you because of his mother’s wish. But he probably needs time to forgive you for the pain you had caused her.
Do not try to make excuses for your emotional infidelity. You fell into Venus’ trap because you could not resist the lure of sweet words and stolen passion. The woman was playing with you and you were foolish enough to forget your good sense for such a long while.
However, nothing you do will bring your wife back. You can continue to wallow in piteous remorse and mope, but it’s not what your wife would wish for you. She died offering you the gift of her love and forgiveness. She planned it such that her child would be well cared for. She even left you money to settle your debts and had graciously offered you the freedom to live life without the burden of the past.
Snap out of your sorry state. Do not try to buy your way back into your son’s heart. Talk to him and tell him the truth – he is old enough to understand. Tell him that you loved his mother and had never slept with this other woman. But admit your mistakes and do not even mention black magic. Be sincere and honest for your child deserve nothing less from you.
Let your son live with your wife’s relatives if you cannot care for him. But never believe that he does not love you. Do not give up keeping in touch and having him close at heart. You are his only parent now and he needs to know that he will always have your love and support.